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a week ago i was falling asleep next to a man in my bed.

he had been laying on his back, eyes closed, and sleepily patted his chest to beckon me over. i then lay, with eyes wide open, upon that chest for about 5 minutes before adjusting to a more comfortable, less heterosexual position.

i'd like to say that a lot has happened in the past week, but it really hasn't. i went out a few times with friends, got drunk, experienced a tornado warning (while drunk), and finished my last week at my job. the boy who took my het-virginity, however, was out of town.

that's not to say i have not been in touch with him; on the contrary, he texted me a few hours after his departure, curious to know what my girlfriend would think of it all. i had told him that she'd be excited for me; this was quite an unexpected and huge development for me.

and of course it's a development. (i am attempting to find the diary entry in which i lament people finding out that was attracted to a man, and what would they think, and what would that mean for my identity, etc.) this type of thing would have ruined me.

(and as i type this, who should e-mail me but A., but i'll get to him in a second.)

it almost ruined me, still, by the onslaught of anxiety and insecurity that has accompanied all of my semi-heterosexual dealings. i was assured that the frequency and content of his communications with me was well-beyond that of someone just being "nice" [to the fat girl]. that he *had* to have been attracted to me in *some* way, though i'm much better at picturing someone being *repelled* by me in *all kinds* of ways.

i couldn't believe my luck at randomly selecting someone quite well-suited for the job. he was handsome, trim, friendly, and most importantly, funny. we shot off one-liners and continued with our banter throughout the actual "event" - mainly because it seemed neither he nor i could actually shut up (i held the monopoly on woody allen-esque self-defeating rambling, however). i was taken aback at how...like ME he was in bed. he was doing all those things that i do with girls, like checking in, and being all touchy, and caring about the giving more than the getting. it was STRANGE, since i had a much different idea of not only men, but men in bed.

it's obvious that i've watched too MUCH porn, though several of my lovers would balk at the thought.

but it's true! i have hated heterosexuality for the same reasons i've hated porn, believing one to be a magnification of the other - of the imbalance, the inequality...the hidden desires lurking beneath the surface of all heterosexual interactions and pairings.

however, i have to cut myself some slack. there really *are* rapists, and assholes, and misogynists, and i just got really lucky to have propositioned someone who seemed to be none of the above.

oh, and he's turning 40 at the end of october. it just really makes far too much sense.