jan 13 2015
annual update; still aging

Jan 13 2014

april 26 2010
not the entry i wanted to write

nov 13 2009
polar extremes

sep 21 2009
cure for angst is dictatorship


cure for angst is dictatorship sep 21 2009 - 12.25 pm

sometimes i panic and wish my life were more conservative.

i wish those aberrations in life, those strays-from-the-norm, were not a part of my life, even peripherally.

it's not for anyone else's benefit or the result of anyone else's judgments; this is internal angst and anxiety. morality and sexuality are intertwined for me, perhaps differently than the way they are for others, but i can't escape the connection.

what would it take to make me "alright" and to alleviate the guilt, shame, and just plain upset that these things cause for me? i think about monogamy; would that do it? one person, who i know is completely dedicated and solely with and for me? i doubt it. i don't know that i could like another person that much for it to be completely satisfactory, to be what i want, and to be without issue.

celibacy seems to be the only answer, in the end. making my life and world devoid of sexuality altogether, easing my mind, purifying my thoughts, but more importantly, my behavior.

but is it really *my* behavior that i'm worried about? i suppose if i rid myself of sexuality, i'd rid my associations with those whose identity and activities are based in the sexual. *that* would certainly relieve angst, because i wouldn't have to be exposed to situations, issues, thoughts, images, imaginations, etc. those things which challenge me, challenge my comfort levels, challenge my understandings of morality, of what is "right" and "wrong."

moral relativism - what's right for you might not be right for me and that's ok.

why is it so hard for me to wrap my head around this concept?

sometimes i feel like an evangelical christian. i wish i could live so sure of my convictions, so simply. You. Are. Wrong. end of story. it would be nice to have such definition.

it would be nice to be supreme leader of the universe.

last time***next time