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hey diary.
what's up?

yep.
i've been neglecting you again.
well, come ON.
i'm nearly 30 years old. the angsty whining has tempered...somewhat. well, at least the medication is working more effectively.

so.
i've *totally* been meaning to catch up with you, because there are more than two scoops of raisins for this update.

#1. i broke up with t.
#2. i'm dating 3 women.
#3. one is in lust with me, one is in love with me, and the other is in love with me, and her fiance.
#4. i have my masters degree (wait; did you know that one?)
#5. i'm working full time, but because it's me, even *that* is precarious.
#6. i totally had that job at starbucks i had applied for 4 times in my early twenties. i even worked there for over a year. i tried to seduce customers, but to no avail.
#7. once again, my girlyfriend (not my girlfriend, though i am her girlfriend) is into kinky shit that tightens up my gut and leaves me worried and insecure.
#8. i don't know. it's probably not the best time for me to be giving an update, though i've wanted to for weeks now.

it's not the best time because the girlyfriend told me that this friday, she, the fiance, and one of their play partners are hosting a party...a dirty party...and girl #1 that i'm dating is supposed to be there. i was unaware of this, so it feels kind of like a double whammy, especially because girlyfriend would like to fuck girl #1. this had been proposed as a scheme, propogated by myself, to arrange a threesome. what better way, i thought, than to satisfy all kinds of things: a) my first threesome, b) girlyfriend experiencing something sexual with girl #1, and c) me being basically the common denominator/area of focus during said threesome, which is kind of pivotal to making the threesome work. buuuuut, no.

so girlyfriend and i have been exchanging lots of sweet nothings lately, and i had vowed (like so many times before) that my status as "in love" would not change anything. and maybe it wouldn't, if her status of "in love" with me weren't also the case. i think when there are two "in love" statii, i get weird, or it feels like there are emotional obligations or duties or loyalties that just *should* exist or something. or perhaps it's just a case of plain jealousy. um, yes, that is definitely the case.

also, it's the fact that i can't "handle" things. i can't handle going to a party such as this, i can't handle being at a party with her at a party such as this, that i wouldn't want to go. and yeah, i don't like not being able to handle things. i don't like that this is true about me.

it gets very strange when your big insecurity is that you are not strange or weird enough.

so yeah. maybe today is not the best time for me to be writing, as i have been more inclined to write missives about how wonderful and full of love my life has been lately.