i have the most amazing girlfriend.

amazing. amazing. wonderful.

a girlfriend who writes me ridiculously honest and lovely and sweet letters, telling me the effect i have on her, the things she thinks of, the ways she loves me.

a girlfriend who is engaged...to someone else.

and i don't care.

i really don't.

i don't care that she's engaged, and i don't care that she's at a...an...erotic party, let's say (ok, maybe i care in that i-don't-want-or-need-to-think-about-it sort of way) and i don't care that i can't "have" her in that typical monogamous standard safe way.

because i *do* have her. i have her heart, and she has mine. it's pretty incredible.

i wanted my other girlfriend to treat my heart in the same way, but that was expecting far too much. j. treats me miles above anyone else has done, and the scarcity of such sensible, thoughtful, sweet, smart, ridiculously cute human beings means that not many will meet the standard set by her for me.

so *pbblblpt* to them. fuck 'em.

(i say in one breath, and then in the other...)

i cling tightly to the amazing beautiful wonderful times i had with m., the moments and hours and even days when i could feel my heart expand with love, filling up my chest. i've been having pains in a band around my core, pains that pummel me so that i physically react and move with the pain as it kicks into my chest.

it's the space left behind. left empty by the shrinking of my heart back down to a smaller, less vulnerable size.