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i'm in bawling-ready position.

i'm so tired i don't want to be awake. i have more things to do today. i didn't get the pain off my chest well enough, clear enough.

today has been moving day. we stayed up till 3 this morning, packing boxes half-heartedly. s. cried because it was her "last night" in her room, her "house". i felt like i was the prison guard directing her to her new cell. i couldn't understand.

i also couldn't understand why she wasn't better prepared. how she thought that we could get ALL THAT STUFF to my place in one van trip.

i couldn't understand how she could throw so much stuff away. throw it away after looking at it, saying "i remember when i made this in seventh grade". i know i'm a pack rat, but there were things thrown away and given away that was uncalled for. she SAID it didn't mean anything, so she would believe it. i didn't want to be held responsible for that later.

i have a research proposal that i have to write tonight. after we've taken the cats to her aunt's place, and after we've gone back to her place, and after we've taken the rest of the stuff - by cab - to my place. i have a 6 page paper. i don't know how i will do it. i don't think i can.

and i rushed off to my shrink appointment, unprepared and unplanned, and we dove into a pool of sticky confusion, metaphors lost, concepts regained, and a huge confession from my lips AFTER he declared "gotta go." a CAN O WORMS, so to speak.

and we spent 5 minutes going back and forth through the pages of his schedule, and the times of mine, and tried to come upon a common free spot. i gave up and said "give me the fucking wednesday at 8 in the morning!" he said, "this should be interesting!" and i replied, "yeah, that's why i'm doing it!"

i wrote it on a napkin in pencil, ever organized. hoping i would make it.

now i realize, next wednesday at 8 o'clock, s. will be getting ready to go to work. from my place. which will inevitably still be my place. about which she will inevitably cry. about which i will inevitably grow colder and more numb.

i need to cry.

i need to be solid, though. i can't show any weakness.