�

i took my letter to my shrink and read it to him.

he thought it was lovely.

he said i should write on it "my shrink thinks this is lovely" and send it off, post haste!

we talked about it, and what mr. rose meant to me. he was someone who connected with me, at an age where i was "unconnectable". he responded to me when not many people were, especially not important figures like my parents.

i had trouble admitting that i would have sexual feelings for him. i didn't admit to it. i won't.

i didn't think i was capable of sexual feelings at the time. there was so much that i was repressing; i had a very sexually charged childhood and i wasted it all on frantic guilt-ridden masturbation and later, teen beat posters wallpapering my room. by the time i got around to puberty, to adolescence, i was living the "innocence" of childhood. i was wanting holding and comforting, and nothing else. i knew of nothing else.

the more we talked, the more real the representation became, because he was as great as i made him out to be in my mind. not for indulging my fantasies, but giving me reality in the form of a true relationship. he cared.

and that's why, 7...8 years down the line, i still care enough to tell him so.

i've made note of all of the people who have impacted my life like that, just through caring.