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i have to turn off the computer. it is eating my soul. fuck you, friendster, and your web of lies!

i had a meltdown two days ago. yes, election results were only the beginning, but my life was the culmunation. i ended up making an emergency page to fred and absolutely gut-strainingly sobbing in his office.

the quest for mental absolution through leeetle pills continues! i have two new meds to add to the repetoire, celexa and risperdal. oooh, that one's for schizos with psychosis. yummmmy. it will apparently "take the edge off" - meaning the edge that makes me go "hmmm, i wouldn't mind if a car hit me today. yup. that would be a-ok with me. i know the driver would be fucked up, but i'd lie in the street bleeding saying 'i wooon't sue you...' and perhaps that would make them feel better." that edge? perhaps that edge.

how long has it been without meds...a while, a good long while. i scrunched my face up something fierce when he mentioned it, as i knew it was coming...in my state i recognized the logic of EVERYTHING but emotionally could not pair the rational with the present tense. so many questionings of why i would think things, knowing that they were ridiculous, but that BELIEF that they were true was so bloody strong.

now, fred. fred, fred. there are a lot of things NOT to like about fred. it's funny when people profess their distaste for fred. well, i find it funny. since he's my longest-lasting shrink, and wooh-boy, i've had some doozies. if he was truly so abhorrent, i would have ditched him hard by now...i'd like to think.

s. does not like fred, but that is partly because of her own experience with/of him, and her resentment that i managed to "click" with him whilst she did not. e. does not like fred...somewhat. he called the apartment once and she thought he was "bossy." i thought that was hilarious and completely plausible, because as a surrogate parent should be, fred's embarrassing as hell. i told e. that i would "yell at fred" about it...funnily enough, i totally forgot the entire incident.

iota said something interesting though - that she thought fred was my father, and this was not a good thing. she said the way i talk about my father is that i'm always trying to please him and he always lets me down, and fred will let me down, and HAS let me down, and that i take it. like i take it from my father. and fred puts me on pills right away.

now, i agree with the assessment that he is my surrogate father, but i felt that this was an ok thing. like, he's more dependable while my father is not. i mean - dependable enough, dependable emotionally speaking, so the rest doesn't even NEED to exist for me.

the downfall of fred is that he trusts my ability far too much; he lets me go and work with/on myself for months and knows that i will call him when i "need" him, and he really shouldn't be trusting me with myself! it's a little like letting charlie manson be his own lawyer.

the pill thing, i don't resent. but iota had a good point that i show up and he prescribes me pills because i show up AT THE POINT where i need to be medicated. it's not exactly a good cycle.

however, i realized yesterday that fred doesn't think that he's my father - i think he thinks that he's me. he harps on my family being awful to me because he felt the same way in his family, he's trying to save me from feeling the way he did. i realized that he was the youngest child...i could see it and hear it in the way he spoke to me two days ago that he was genuinely hurting for me in a way that was not objective...it was coming from within.

this can be a good "connection," - rogerian empathic regard and all. i've had this connection before with "mentors" - my old english teacher elaine saw me as my father's daughter, and her own relationship to her father was happening before her eyes. am i a mirror? i must look desperate to be saved.

but i think that i am desperate to be saved like this.? i don't know if it's immaturity, regression, whatever. it's like i've been stunted emotionally from being deprived of affection - i long to curl up into a ball and have some elder just hold me and pat my hair. will this go away? i seem to elicit maternal responses from people, people i'm involved with especially. i would never coddle myself; i'm too busy being my dad to myself, and i need a substitute for my mother (or my idealized version of my mother) to counteract it.

perhaps i should start psychoanalysis?