�

i had the most horrible dream last night. brought on by stress, by perceptions of parents, by feeling the way i did yesterday.

in it, i basically receive a phone call from my father tell me that he's sent me something, and it's in a blue box. i open it, (it's like one of those big video rental boxes) and it contains some kind of pamphlet - religious? self-help? not sure. but it's a questionnaire - and he took it, and it showed him that he had a problem. it was to prove that i had a substance abuse problem. and that he, too, also denied his problem until he took the test. he was mega creepy like a calm evangelist or something. and i was trying to convince him that i didn't have "a problem" and it eventually collapsed into "i'm not crazy!" and the more i tried to tell him, the crazier i got - i was shouting and crying into the phone, I'm not crazy, I'm not! my mom was there, and a couple, her friends from England who have known me since i was a child. i gave the phone to tony and he held it upside down, with only the receptor at his mouth and he said "j, you're a dick. k's not crazy, you are." and that was it. his wife didn't want to engage, as they were in some sort of fight or having marital difficulties or something. i was screaming and crying because my father was telling me that someone would get me in a few hours, and i'd be gone for 6 weeks. it was like a mix of rehab and mental hospital. i think i was just yelling, i'm not going, i'm not going.

i feel like i was there, though, or at least somewhere like school, and i was trying to find someone who would assess my answers to prove that i wasn't crazy. i remember doing the "test" and it was like multiple choice and short answer, and i felt like they were trick questions because there was no real right answer - it would all be interpreted to suit their purposes anyway - and there was something about "ghettos" or something. i laughed at the fact the test was written by "dr. rogers and dr. ebert" (roger ebert invades my dreams like this??) as proof of its quackery. a friendly prof that i didn't have "graded" it for me and said that i wasn't crazy. then i saw my old english teacher from 7th grade, and she was kind of avoidant, for someone who hadn't seem me for 10 years or so. she was going up stairs and grabbed a face mask (because of the SARS thing...) and i asked if everything was ok and she started talking about how she had a loss in the family and it was affecting her marriage - and it turned out to be her second dog who had died. and i wanted to console her but knew i shouldn't get too close.

then i was in a room with a big window - only the width of about four feet, and this attractive man was like, assigned to watch me. i peeked out of the window and smiled at him, trying to establish a sympathetic relationship on his part. i also had to shower in this room, and there was a big screen, like black construction paper, put over the window for my "privacy" but there was a length up the window that the paper didn't cover - i think i did this intentionally, so the man could see my breasts. i was trying to seduce him, and perhaps my way out of there.

?????????????????????????