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i moved out almost all of my stuff today.

what, i hadn't before?

oh, don't you start, too.

i had a lot of stuff here, but i needed my desk and dresser, and...the rest of the stuff. the closet was like a never-ending vault of my clothing (thin clothes, dumpy clothes, summer clothes - ack, where were you all summer?) and other "things" that i had stored during my time at that apartment. but the upside is that it fit in a minivan (and a half) and didn't take too long to load and unload, thanks to a few extra pairs of hands.

my one planned pair of hands was out partying all night and didn't get to bed until 7am, so needless to say she didn't respond very favourably to my 11 or so wake-up calls. (she left an apologetic message on my machine, and just called me now to do the same in person. i'm not mad because it went ok, but would i even be mad? ehh. i'm not a "mad-at-friends" type of girl. but don't go thinking you can take advantage of me or anything.)

ESPECIALLY NOW I'M RICH.

so now all my crap is in the back room, supplanting the old tenant's leftover crap.

i did some crying while packing this morning, some meaning enough...realizing that s. and i have broken each other's hearts back and forth for the past six years, and will there ever be a point where one doesn't want/hurt the other? god, i'd love to think so, but how do you eradicate that? change that system, and re-contextualize the relationship?

i wondered if she was not to me what her first real boyfriend was to her, and will she creep into my future relationships like his ghost did to ours? help sabotage and ruin them?

s. is away this weekend, off visiting "a friend" and i don't even want to wonder if i'm infecting her mind. i shouldn't wonder.

stop wondering.