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i'm dreaming about infatuation, love, protection.

i sat in bed last night and wrote a letter to a math teacher i once had for about 3 months (maybe less), and tried to fantasize about our affair. fantasize that she kissed me and i went through with it. but it wasn't working. the fantasizing, that is, it just wasn't happening. there was no flow to it, far too forced. this was very disappointing.

and of course these thoughts are ultra-silly of me. i'm sure the thought had never crossed her mind, but a little place inside of me was always hoping it had. i was never sexually attracted to her, but god, let her be sexually attracted to me! let me be victimized, or taken advantage of, or used! no. the purity of my friendships with these women is almost sickening.

my libido is none-existent again...it's been a long and lonely time. i don't like having to schedule for sex. this is why i'm trying to add some spark to my fantasy life, but geez, when even that isn't working...you know something is off-kilter.

mrs. robinson, where are you? i've waited for you my whole life. don't you want to seduce me? anyone?