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this is a day that should have been spent in bed crying.

well, that's my cure for everything...

actually, s.'s friend had a baby today. i'm feeling disconnected from the way my life with s. used to be. i wasn't invited to the baby shower, i only saw d. once, and i probably won't get to see this baby. i mean, i would have probably complained about being dragged to these things, but...at least you're trusted as a human in the presence of a baby. it's like, i'd eat it or something, so i'm not allowed anywhere near it. i might taint it with my eeevil.

*sigh*

it's cold, drizzly, windy, wet, horrific. i've spent most of the day in the library fooling myself into believing that i'm working. well, i *did* do some of the reading for tomorrow's class (yaaaay for reading "the pianist" for class) but that is a third of the reading. i have yet to get my hands on the other book. and i have yet to write the paper for that class. yet to really know what i'm writing, dammit.

i caved yesterday and bought another pack of cigarettes. they are wimpy-small though, even though they are the strong brand to which i revert during these periods of stress. i can hold them between my thumb and index finger, shaped like an L - and i have small hands and stumpy fingers.

i'm so tempted to get sushi. funny how cold, raw fish would be any sort of comfort food, but go figure...

oh, i forgot to mention. i saw fred yesterday, and his propaganda of support convinced me that he's not ruining me...i didn't tell him outright that people have suggested i see someone different, but he has valid points - someone as out of the box as me needs out of the box therapy, let's face it. perhaps a conventional therapist would be MORE like my father than the father-figure fred inhabits - in that negative way. i haven't been able to meet many therapists' expectations of me, and i have feared disappointing them. i suppose it's good if, nothing else, i do not fear disappointing fred.

and i'm supposed to see him more often. how did i get to the point of therapy twice a week? actually, how did i manage to evade therapy twice a week?