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so diaryland has gone and patented my "previous" thingy, and developed a way to do the "next" thingy, which is what boggled me oh so long ago.

i was told to calm down today. by the college registrar who is best described as a COKEHEAD.

i got an application to work at old navy. i used to work at the gap. this time, i say, no one will push ME around. huh. what kind of fool am i...

i feel so fucked. the most fucked. ever. i don't understand...being fucked in the head...it's like you have to get to some point of complete insanity. it's not like you can just...stop. stop doing things that would help. stop NOT doing things that hinder. stop dead in your tracks and stop crying when you have to start writing or concentrating or moving.

allow old me to explain in her ever so eloquent way.
written dec 19, 1999

i fucking hate this everything that's going on around me in me and through me my head feels like a rock, black and full i am slowly winding down now i don't think i want to break anything anymore but i want to sleep forever i don't know if i should try to pass these exams, i don't even know if anything i do will make the slightest difference anymore. everything around me is going crazy my fucking brothers are losing it my father is losing it and now me but that's no surprise. but i'll put on the happy face as usual and pretend like i'm strong as usual and not let anyone know just how fucked i am. stop looking for attention no one is going to accept you and take you in and let you cry and be vulnerable, no one is going to care about your pain just like you don't care. there isn't a reason to be like you are, in fact there is no reason for you to even be alive. what are you doing here? what is your purpose? you obviously can't help anyone else because you can't even help yourself. there is no reason to live. we're all dying anyway. the human race is a collective crap that needs to be flushed into oblivion. there is no higher purpose. why can't people live off the land again, why can't life be simpler. why do people insist on making it so complicated. i wish i could shoot myself in the snow. what a great way to die, everything around me so silent and pure. or maybe freeze to death in the snow. all that white, that cold pure white. makes you forget that the world exists under it, dirty and disgusting.

why do i need so much attention? what is wrong with me that i hate people so much and want them to help me to save me so much at the same time? i'm so selfish. i want i want iw anta iwant.. is the purpose of life to take as much as you can while you can? to be selfish? what is the point of helping others and feeling good about not being selfish because they'll go too and then all of what you did will be erased, it will all vanish.

i'm going to die a horrible slow death. i'm going to die of cancer. i'm not going to be able to breathe, i will be hooked up to tubes, i will be wasting away. it will be partly my fault and partly the world's fault, partly the fault of those around me who make the air i breathe and the food i eat, and the societal expectations that i should live in the city and get a job to make money to buy toxin-ridden genetically-altered foods, rather than planting my own seeds and eating only natural pure things and breathing pure air. i think i would like to live in the north or south pole. of course, the purest part of the earth is paying for everyone else's disgusting mistakes - the hole in the ozone layer is over the south pole, and what did it ever do to deserve that? the north pole is melting because of everyone else. is it so wrong to wish for a world where people are killed for being such assholes? how horrible to deny one's personal freedom! one's right to choose whether they want to fuck things up for everyone else! people are so selfish.

i can't do this. this is supposed to be my best, and i can't do my best. i don't understand why i'm doing any of this. i fucking hate my life. would i be sad if it ended? would anyone else? i can't kill myself, too afraid, too stupid, too weak. i will cut myself to shreds because i deserve it and i need it, but i will never kill myself. i am afraid of dying, too. i am afraid of being in an accident and being killed. does that make any sense? that i can hate this life so much but not want to end it? i'm caught in a bind. i have to carry on living despite how much i hate it. i have to sit here feeling sorry for myself and wait wait wait till i'm old or something.

i have always wanted kids, a kid. for selfish purposes. for myself. to love me, to love them. to mould them. what will i do when my kid becomes me? when they hate me, when they won't love me, when they break away from me? maybe i should concentrate on getting fish instead.

maintain a sense of humor. a sense of humor is the only thing that has kept me alive, my cynicism my hatred, everything about the world that is so stupid - it all makes me laugh because i really would have to kill myself otherwise. i like making other people laugh. i use myself. what the hell is wrong with me.

i will never be committed or anything like that because these things come and go. i'll be fine tomorrow, i know. then i'll say "i'm not crazy, i'm just trying to get attention. if i can snap out of it like this, then it's not real" i may even be better tonight. watching tv, ignoring my studying, not thinking about all this shit i have to do. is it something in my brain? i know crazy people, people who take antipsychotics but i'm not like that. who is worse off? me, who straddles the fence between sane and insane, can never really be either for sure - or those who are insane and can never be sane? maybe it's all about validation. maybe i still want that label. so i can say it's not my fault, i'm insane. i'll just take this pill and get my neurotransmitters back into gear.

am i just good at fooling myself. my cuts are never too deep, my bouts are never too long, my crying always stops, i still get out of bed and do things. people with real problems bleed to death, they never stop crying, they stay in bed for days and don't shower and don't care and don't go to school. i always come back to my obligations, and do what i'm supposed to. as much as i have the visions of strangling someone, of crushing up pills and poisoning them, of cracking in public i never do....