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ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaan.

i'm really fucking tired.

fueled by coffee and desperation, and little actual knowledge or insight, i wrote the stupid paper. which could be "4-6 pages" so i opted for 4. double spaced. verdana font. cheater's delight.

i went to bed around 4.30 or so, in that strange state of exhausted yet eyelids-propped-open-with-toothpicks-a-la-ulysses awake.

for the first time, i watched my girl sleep.

i stroked her soft face, her hair, and let her wrap around me tightly as soon as i got into our cramped little bed.

i've often woken up in the night, usually several times, and heard her sleep sounds and the squeaking of her teeth grinding, and the little protests as i try to move, but i don't think i've watched her sleep like i did last night.

before bed, i gave her a letter that i had written during our painful, drawn-out, and confused courtship. i had written it the day after we kissed. i was so hopeful, yet...realistically pessimistic, if that's possible. i thought that it could happen, but i didn't know when. i wouldn't have guessed that it would take a year of not talking, not feeling, not loving before she would come back my way. i would never have guessed that by the time she did, i would be over her. i would have never guessed that i would be over her at all.

so this morning, my brain swamped in caffeine and reminisence and sleep, i dreamt of her ex, c.. i dreamt that she had s.'s van, and had changed it all around, and was asking s. to pay her $20,000 if she wanted it back. i told s. i would handle it. i approached c. i said "s. is not paying you anything for this van, and you are going to give it back." she never speaks in my dreams. she never spoke in real life, so i can only assume it's an accurate representation. she just smirked that smug, tight-lipped (she actually didn't HAVE lips) smirk and didn't say a word. so i started to beat her up. and for once, my dream-punches were being thrown with force, and my wrists were not turning into jelly upon impact. but she was not being hurt anyway, as she was covered by a foot of powdery snow. every time i punched, i sent snow scattering, but i was not reaching her body to harm it. i was afraid that passer-bys would think i was assaulting her, or that her dog would attack me in a protective panic.

she just stood there and smirked.