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why am i such a fucknut? i ask this question constantly. 12.15 am and i'm-a-gonna start, that's right, START, my essay on psycho killas. i feel bad because the prof has been so nice, i mean, he made me martinis and called me "sweetie" when i walked him to his street...out of the bitchy fag context, he was very easy to talk to. no wonder he's a fucking psychoanalyst.

i had an imaginary fight today. not a verbal spar, but FISTICUFFS. i went to pick up an essay from my wicked stuttering prof (have the mushiest spot in my heart for this woman) and this girl was reading the note left on the office door, saying things like "what's wrong with this woman? she should be shot!" and other boneheaded outrageous shit. i didn't know what was going on, at first, but after reading the note, i saw that the essays weren't going to be available since the prof had been sick all weekend. in my drowsy state, the best i could muster was a "shut up!" to that girl as she walked away down the hall. i was so ready for a throwdown.

i even said "you want a throwdown? you want a piece of me? c'mon, bitch!" i had my bicycle seat with me, too, so i could have done some real damage to her bleach-blonde skank ass. since i'm packing the weight these days, i coulda easily kept her on the ground, too. fucking hell. i was ITCHING for it, let me tell you....

speaking of fights, richard had his bone marrow test today. it was horrible, apparently, but manageable. the guy has already been through a spinal tap, so i don't think anything could really hurt him anymore. he's been a little confused and delirious, most likely due to the on-going fever and panic panic panic. he gets anxiety attacks at the best of times, so this situation is just one big freak-out. socks and i are coming down with something, so we're worried that we won't be able to visit him if we're carrying a bug. i feel so out of it, since i want to be there, but know that this week off is not a vacation - i'm supposed to be studying like mad.

as soon as i'm done, i will definitely be pulling all-nighters in his hospital room. although, i've never done the nursing thing before. i'm just good at the "hanging out and acting normal" thing. he needs both.

fuck this shit. i want to fight just about everyone and everything right now.