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after a few jovial entries...

it's snowing. big fluffy flakes, wee cotton balls falling, slanted, outside my window. it is snowing and i am sad.

perhaps i just feel sad because i'm exhausted from all the debauchery of the weekend. maybe it has to do with the hormones that clench my stomach for me every few hours. maybe i just think i'm sad because my eyes hurt, because my brother has been cooking meat for 4-5 hours now, and the apartment is filled with the smoke and scent.

i'm probably sad because of all of these things. but mostly because it's snowing. the cotton balls have gotten larger. they are starting to make a white impact on the cold road.

there is something about winter, maybe just winter in canada, that makes me very melancholic. i pick up on the sadness in people's faces, and take it in as my own. perhaps they are just grimacing at the wind, but they are certainly not enjoying it.

my shrink told me i was sad. they always do, despite my "brave face" i suppose. he said that sometimes a playfullness comes out, sometimes i laugh, but there is always this dark spirit lurking, sitting in the chair next to me, perhaps. and it's listening and watching, but never speaks. and he would like to speak to it.

i'm noticing this bad habit i have when dealing with my girlfriend's anger. the pattern goes: i do something wrong or stupid, she gets justifiably upset at me (but shakes her head and says "whatever. i'm not mad. let's just forget about it."), i start to cry, she consoles me. i told her the truth when she asked me why i was crying. i told her that i was upset that she was hurt and disappointed, and even more so because i was the one who had made her feel that way. and that i need to be perfect.

i don't actively strive for perfection in anything in my life, but i demand it of myself anyway. funny how you can punish youself like that. funny how i do.

funny that it has stopped snowing.