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fucking hours. in a fucking hour i have to go meet up with ShrinkBitch, who is doing my assessment to match me up with a new shrink at school. yes, i'm cheating on fred. about fucking time? perhaps. i haven't seen him for months and this decline is just ridiculous.

although it seems i have nothing to show for it.

i actually saw ShrinkBitch three times way back when. like 6 years ago back when. i stopped seeing her because i felt like she was looking at me like i was an idiot. a faker. and why was i wasting her time.

this time, she has glasses, longer hair, and has adopted like some "older hippy" look which really betrays her personality, which is, of course, nothing but ShrinkBitch. during part 1 of my assessment last week, she got me so nervous that, no, i didn't know why i had been diagnosed as bipolar, and oh, is that REALLY what the textbook definition of "mania" is because, gee, that sure doesn't sound like anything *I* experienced, thank you for pointing out my hyperbolic tendencies...

if she suggests that i see her, i'll scream.

i feel like my life is at a standstill, or i'm trapped - i haven't decided if this is exterior or interior yet. i don't know what i'm doing (once again) or who i am (once again) or what i want (once again).

i love d. very much. but she's such an adult that it scares me. that's why i was trying to hook up with a 22 year old, so i could no longer be the pathetic eternal student. so my slacking would seem normal enough. at the same time, i want to be an adult with her, for her, but feel like i'm lacking so many things...dollars, for one. once again money = stability, and it seems like i am forever lacking both.

i have to shower. i woke up at 2am for the third day in a row and felt so awake until about 5am. would my life seem less acrid if i had air conditioning, i wonder?