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there are some shitty things about being single in canada. fall & winter comes to mind.

i don't "enjoy" the cold, but i prefer it to being overheated. but i'm finding that something like a "draft" is very bothersome to me. it plays into my paranoia - where is it coming from? what does it mean? what does it say about the future, when it gets COLDER, and WINDIER? will this eventually lead to higher heating bills?

i woke up shivery this morning, though i think it's around 7 degrees. i think i fell asleep crying last night because i was cold, despite wearing a hoodie to bed. i cried because i don't have my winter clothing or coats here, and this means having to go back to the apartment or see s. eventually to get them. i thought about maybe going to the mall shopping for new pants, and meeting her there. and holding hands and how i would kiss her hand as we walked. about how soft and porcelain her cheek was. how at times, it was perfect.

i think this was exacerbated by the fact that almost every email account has a "s." folder, and they are more numerous at the beginning of the relationship when we were very much in love and optimistic. there are also the ones from her that say she never meant to hurt me, and loves me more than anything, and it's like knives in her heart when i cry.

where does this shit all come from, and where does it go? i'm usually such a cynic and realist and know how the human mind and heart work, so theoretically i know that i will "get over" this and it will all seem like a foreign part of me, but i don't sense it yet, barely. i also found emails from 2nd year university - 1998 - telling people about her and i at the time, how i was glad i stepped up and did what was right for myself by telling her that we couldn't be friends because she was never going to leave her girlfriend, and we wouldn't be together - i had to stop trying. i was wrong then...wasn't i? am i?

6 years of us.

no wonder i've not had enough casual youthful sex. i've been faithfully married from 19-25. that's a whole demographic's worth of time.

it must take going through the seasons alone, all of them, all by oneself, to feel normal again. the next time around, you won't be reminded of the "we used to..."s at every change in climate. this is who i used to be - i spent all those years doing "this" by myself; why does it seem so alien now?

i lost the warmth of a down comforter, two furry little cats, and a freshly-bathed, flannel-clad, sweet-smelling body of love.

no wonder i'm fucking shivering.