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why did i not go to sleep until 4 am? i have no clue. perhaps i really *am* trying to emulate martha stewart with her whole "i-only-sleep-two-hours-a-night" psychosis/thing. although i'm sure that will be coming in handy for her now, what with the possibilities for gettin' shanked and all.

the odd thing is, i had a very long and tiring day, up for work at 9, workshop, class, anxiety, etc. it was cold, too, and i haven't been dressing appropriately. i want my sweater weather as in "i only have to wear a sweater" - but considering it's late october i think it's supposed to have snowed by now.

i also don't have many of my jackets and coats with me here. uhh, in fact, i *only* have my jean jacket. having the jean jacket means i can't also wear jeans (the "denim dream" look), so i must wear cords, and all my cords are falling-off-big and have such a saggy ass they end up making me look like i'm wearing balloon pants. this is my perception, at least.

i'm finding out that my crappy apartment is also very drafty! hooray. and hooray for the fact that it is also electric heating so as soon as i turn it on, the bills will shoot through the roof. considering i haven't yet paid a hydro bill, this is bound to be exciting. "oooh, $400 RIGHT NOW or they cut us off! terrific!" (basically the situation with the phone bill)

s. and i have been communicating rather pleasantly, but i a way i'm scared of 1) going over to, uh, HER place (sayitsayitsayit, keep practicing) and 2)seeing her. because i'm so depressed and very foolish.

i'm sooo depressed and foolish, in fact, that i am hopping on a greyhound and going to the states this weekend. and if anyone knows me they KNOW that i do not take road trips, or random bus trips, or really....travel domestically at all. i mean, one thing that irked me when i flipped through the pages of my relationship was that we never went anywhere - never alone, never spontaneously, never really romantically. was it because i didn't have money? or do i project a homebody-ness that is overpowering?

well, i'm fucking going to the states for the weekend. i should really be calling fred by now. this might worry/excite him. it's funny how i could contextualize it for him...
"well fred, i'm going to the states to visit someone, and i've been working really hard in school, and just started my new job, and it's the only weekend i have before things start getting really crazy. i need to get away, do something different, be zany. i'm never zany; zany people tend to blow."
OR..
"well fred, i haven't been feeling really 'on the ball' for the past few weeks, emotionally speaking, and i'm just hating a lot of things about my life right now, so i'm going to the states because i need to just ignore everything that's happening, or rather *chuckle* NOT happening - like my schoolwork, or my apartment, or buying food and EATING it, or doing laundry, or getting my life in order...you know, i just need a break from all this stuff that i'm not doing. it'll be zany."

hm.