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too many times a day does the thought "what have i done?" cross my mind.

i know that i have surrounded myself with circumstances that make me feel uncomfortable, unmotivated, unable...but i still stop and think, "is this unhappiness better than that old unhappiness?"

this IS the old unhappiness.
this is the brand that i always bought.

completely self-directed, self-propelled. does that make it better? well, i can always just blame myself for it. no one else bears responsibility. mind you, i don't think i necessarily "blamed" anyone else for my unhappiness...but i couldn't have anyone else be a factor in it.

i ask myself "is this worth it? WAS it worth it?" and remember asking it of myself a year ago...maybe other times, too. "will it be worth it?" - and it wasn't, for a long time, i recognized that. was our disagreement worth all this? probably not. could we have worked through it? perhaps. we could have sustained for another little while. then...it would have surfaced again.

so i remind myself of all the platitudes i was handed - "it's better it happened now than when you REALLY hated each other..." or "this is the mature thing to do" - is it? then why do i feel like a teenager?

it's colder now, after a brilliant extension of summer warmth and blue skies that would usually make me do little but smile. i noticed my lack of contentment while walking during one such lazy warm sunday afternoon, a mix of feeling responsible for running an errand, but having the leisure to walk at a slower pace. no warm fuzzies inside. no flood of endorphins to the brain, telling me "god, i love my life!"

god, i hate my life sometimes.

it's colder, and i wrap myself in the lambswool sweaters she bought me. gifts that made me look even better to her; i already looked good. then why did i rarely feel good? why did i never believe her?

so what i have done is sentenced myself to ongoing punishment for being so stupid as to never believe her. for attempting to reflect it back at her like a mirror instead of absorbing it graciously. for beginning the dying process while with her, only to have it culminate now, without.

this is what i have done.
and nothing is worth anything, anyway.