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when i was seeing dr. creepy in kanata (not his real name but certainly his real disposition) i asked him to give me some psychological tests. i wanted to know, dammit, what the hell was wrong with me! he wasn't telling me shit.

so i took the rorschach (and gave very good interpretations; however, it might have helped had i not been so embarrassed to tell him that the first thing i actually saw in all the cards was a vagina), the mmpi (minnesota multiphasic personality inventory. they give it to people who work in car factories so they make sure they are not psycho and won't sabotage the brakes), and a sentence completion test (along the lines of "boys are..., girls are..., love is..., etc.)

when the "results" were in, he went over them with me, telling me that i had high levels of anxiety and depression. duh. i wanted the meat! so i asked him to photocopy the results that he had been reading me.

regretfully, i didn't get the actual raw scores of the mmpi. that would have been very interesting to keep with me and take to other shrinks as a reference point. however, i got his written analysis. it's beaten up because i used to carry it around in my pocket, and take it out to read at times. i had a hard time believing most of what it said, which could be construed as classic resistance. i do believe i laughed as he read it to me. but looking at it know, i can't help but wonder....i am also looking for a good Kleinian to translate all of the object-relations stuff. anybody?

so here it is, dr. creepy's analysis of 15 year old me:

"Results suggest K. has a central feeling of being attacked by powerful forces that she is unable to control. She perceives herself as small and impotent and through hyper-alertness or grandiosity she stands vigil against an enemy she fears but may not know.

A second feeling central to K. is a profound fear of body deterioration. Loss of control and loss of security are expressed in physiognomic terms. A deep sense of loss of a love object is also expressed. A large amount of depression is present.

Rejection and the fear of it also seem central to K. Solicitousness, dependence, and manipulative behaviour is meant to ward off rejection.

There is also a basic core feeling of not being wanted or treated with empathic regard by her parents. Her anger evinces the cold treatment that she received, never feeling a true sense of belonging. The resentment implies inadequate object internalization and object regard.

K. further feels an intense sensitivity to criticism and hostility. She struggles to be blameless and faultless as a means of avoiding punishment and humiliation. This requires intense control over aggression and results in obsessive rumination, self-doubt, and generalized tension.

In summary, K. is a fifteen-year-old girl with obvious intelligence who experiences a great deal of emotional turmoil and confusion. K. shows marked defensiveness and imperviousness, a narcissistic encapsulation, with a distant controlled hostility.

There is a concern that the overcontrolled aggression can suddenly emerge with considerable violence. There is a second concern about depression and suicide. There is a third concern with regard to gender-identity, perhaps reflecting identification with her father. Finally, there is a deep loneliness and unhappiness and a longing for closeness, but a marked fear of being close."

*as i was transcribing this, just before that final statement, i typed "fuck" without realizing it.*

upon reflection, i believe about 98% of this to have been true.