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i used to have a good memory. i'm glad i wrote some things down. i wish i had written everything down, because my memory is not so good anymore.

i feel like far too much happens for me to remember it all. even the important things, because to me, everything is important. so i end up losing it.

people tell me things that i did or said. always with the preface "i'll never forget what you said to me..." or "that time when you were scaring children in honest ed's, and i was peeing myself...that was so much fun. remember?" no, no i don't. it was fun? i was funny? i'd like to remember, believe me.

i had this thing for a while, where i couldn't remember to whom i had told what. i analyzed this trait, and decided that my narcissism was at play. i was far more interested in telling the story, just for telling the story - there was no contribution of the person themselves to my reasoning. that frightened me to no end. i was losing the capacity to care, to think about others. was i becoming one of those awful people who fill the air with words simply to delight at the sound of one's own voice?

probably not the sound of my voice, but the sight of those words.

i read over my old paper diaries, and old e-mails, and am frightened by the things from which i turn myself away. i'm frightened by my capacity for hollowness.