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tell me.

tell me what i'm supposed to do here, because i'm lost without your guidance.

tell me how i am supposed to feel. my feelings get caught between the "should" and the "would" and the numbness and the void...i can't pull these forces apart. opposing views, like magnets, clinging together.

is my love strong enough for...anything? how would i define it? does that definition matter? when i love...i am in awe. i respect. i fear rejection. i fear disdain. i seek pure acceptance.

and i am feeling rejection, and disdain, and a lack of acceptance. because i might have broken a rule, my rule, of respect.

my force was so strong that it pulled her to me. pulled her magnet apart from that opposing pole she was with. my force lingered when i was gone. i left my share of bad tastes in her mouth. my force devoured her, and she was enveloped in guilt.

sometimes i feel like i guilted her into loving me. i feel like i guilt her into loving me again when i break down and cry when she is being cold and solid to me, to "talk" to me about something. when she "talks" to me she is steel, and i don't feel love.

i want to be good. i want to be PERFECT. i want to never hurt her. and i never want to be hurt BY her. i feel that i can't do anything right. i feel that by my very nature, by my identity and my self - i will fail. i will sabotage this relationship by being me.

and so the compromise? the compromise is locking you up, diary, and locking people out. pushing away like minds because of their status, not because i want to. placing a lock on myself. locking my mouth.

i'll wither without light.