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i told my shrink (fred) that i didn't fill the prescription for serzone that he had given me a while back. we got into this long discussion about the mechanisms of SSRIs and stuff like that, and i kept saying "yes, i know all that, i have done ALL the reading, and i know all the neurophysiological mechanisms behind it, and i know what it does and doesn't do, and i'm not believing the mythology of anti-depressants, and and and..." sometimes i just want to scream "you know, sometimes, i actually DO WELL in my psychology classes, because i actually DO/DID WANT TO BE a psychologist, because i DO have a natural inclination towards it!!!" but i don't. because that would be counter-productive.

and i said that i could have all the intellectualism-rationalism-reasoning in the world but that would not change the fact that i have an emotional bias/connection/struggle with that little pill, and taking that little pill, and what it means, because it is undoubtedly connected to EMOTIONS and HOW YOU FEEL. it doesn't HAVE to artificially manufacture emotions, or happiness, or whatever - just the fact that it makes it EASIER to recognize facts without mental distortion, and clarifies emotional content, makes it emotionally-related. therefore, how could i not have emotionally-based reactions and side effects to taking it?

how can i not feel that it is a crutch?

how can i not feel weak for requiring it?

just because it makes it possible for my body to absorb what it's already making, not creating anything new? that doesn't matter.

what matters is I CAN'T BE NORMAL without it, no matter how normal my state of depression seems to me.

or i can be "normal" if normal means having extreme periods of low mood, anxiety, hopelessness. what normal would i prefer?

i brought up the nirvana quote that i always come back to in times of numbness: "i miss the comfort in being sad" call me passé for quoting ol' kurt, king of the angst, but he was onto something. i know EXACTLY what it means. when i am depressed, which is a state of mental abnormality, i feel resigned to that state. that it is my fate, and is ME, and is who i AM. not what i'm feeling. and part of me relishes it. because it makes me unique, creative, introspective. me me me me. see a theme here?

sometimes it just doesn't feel *right* being happy, or even content. sometimes i feel like i've lost something very important.

an analogy which will definitely bring this out of the philosophical mode it is in and back into gross reality is my athlete's foot. one would not say that athlete's foot is a state of normality. but when i moved to jakarta, the humid climate was a perfect trigger for my contribution to the pattern of my family's somewhat odd predisposition towards fungal infections. i got athlete's foot in 1989. i had it till 1999. 10 YEARS OF FUNGAL INFECTION don't think i didn't try to get rid of it. i've tested every over-the-counter remedy, every common-sense practice, every not-so-common sense practice (including peeing in the shower, soaking foot in bleach, etc.), and many prescription creams. and yet. and yet i would wake up in the middle of the night, scratch my foot until the dead skin fell off, and think "i'll miss it when it's gone." even though i could easily spend 10 minutes rubbing my foot back and forth on the bathroom rug every day, or slide off my shoe in class and rub my socked foot against the laces for relief, or hiding it from the outside world in socks and shoes, never sandals, never bare....i would miss it. because it was a part of me. because it had integrated itself into my everyday life, and my being. k. never takes off her right sock. k. has orgasms of pleasure when she is in the foot-scratching trance. k. has fucked up toenails that no-one ever sees.

i finally took pills for it, toxic to my liver apparently, but they whacked that fungus into submission. i haven't had a blister since. my girlfriend had it from careless showering at the gym, but my feet and toenails look as normal as ever.

i don't miss the itching. GOD how i don't miss that. i don't miss the shame, the dirtyness. but you know, i do miss the uniqueness that only a condition can provide.

tonight....i fill my "scrip" for effexor. let's see if it makes me NOT miss my depression.