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after a period of dullness, i have a little to write about.

i always have stuff to write about when i visit my shrink, that's for sure. i find i am not holding on to information as well as i have been lately. so those little thoughts that i feel i should expand on get lost somewhere. random observations remain random. and the horrible part is i *know* there was SOMETHING. i just don't know what. where did my mind place it? or is the problem not that there is too little, but there is too much?

***

a had an appointment at 8 am. of course, fred was late, but that didn't bother me. even the $7 taxi fare to get there "on time" didn't bother me. because i look nice today. well, on a scale of my niceness? i'm "dressed up" in a shirt and tie, black v-neck sweater, ratty jeans and sneakers.

as i looped my tie this morning, i thought, man, my dad totally made me a lesbian! it's all his fault! (if he believed that sort of stuff or even thought about it, he might think this) when i was probably 12 or so he first taught me how to tie a tie. he would get excited if i decided to wear a suit, and give me accessories like his cufflinks. "now don't lose these, these are SILVER." not "don't be such a fucking gender outlaw and put on a skirt you big lesbo!" i wore a tux to my prom, minus the tie and cumberbund. the open-shirt, ellen-at-the-emmys kind of look.

i think my dad kind of reminded himself that i was his DAUGHTER when i wanted to wear the tux for my graduation. he got huffy and judgemental *then* and insisted that i wear a dress. i thought it was just a tad odd, since it was going to be under a black robe *anyway*. i went shopping with my mother, and found a shop through an arch, in a cobblestoned courtyard in warsaw's shopping district. it was a polish designer, but the prices were extremely reasonable for the quality of clothing. they had a great "strawberry" dress on display, just a simple off-white short-sleeved thing with a print of big ol' strawberries all over it, and i kick myself to this day for not selecting it. i wanted a SUIT. a POWER SUIT. if i wasn't allowed to have a tux, i would have the next best thing. but i needed pants.

i also tried on a black chinese-collar-style dress which i was tempted to take, if only for my mother's wide-eyed exclamation "it makes your butt disappear!" no, no, i wanted the SUIT.

then i tried on a skirt and jacket set which looked very smart, and very office-friendly, and very "conservative" as my mother said. and i took it!

why? because i looked like a secretary. a POWER lunching sort of office worker. in short, a woman.

and i wore it under my black robe, and the only thing people could see were my pantyhosed legs and my mother's borrowed shoes. at the reception afterwards, i posed for pictures with a fake smile and my fake office look.

i have worn the outfit once since the purchase, as a costume for a video i made. it is far too formal for everyday wear, and far too official for job interviews that i would take.

i still dream of the strawberry dress, and the one that made my butt disappear.

i'd play dress-up with those.