�

my head is swooning.

i plunged my head into icy waters, but rather than being in a state of frantic shock at the cold, i'm numb. on the verge of brain death.

i searched the stacks, rows after rows of theses, giant publications that were once presented nervously to a panel of suspicious academics. i found what i had been looking for.

the sheer size of it knocked my consciousness off guard.

my psychiatrist's thesis.

i read the abstract, the introduction, the summary. reading through the actual experiments would have been wasted on me. i made note of the dates in his skeletal biography. b.a. from mcgill at 21. masters at 24. the presentation of this thesis for a doctorate in psychology at 27.

i wonder if he was actually interested in the subject. of course, he had to be to devote so much time to it, but REALLY interested. how much lab work did he pursue after he finally graduated? he's been in private practice for at least 20 years, so he obviously had his heart set on the more humane side of the field. although one could argue the similarities between his work with rats and his work with...Rats.

does this seem strange to you?

i put the thesis back and pulled out his wife's, right next to his on the shelf. work completed three years after his. her academic biography impressed me even more than his: b.sc hon in genetics from mcgill, more genetics, more honours, more incredible devotion to one's education and aspirations.

i walked through the shelves, dizzy with my realization of permanent stupidity.

maybe not even stupidity, but just a realization that there are some heights that some people can just never attain. no, not "some people" - me. there are just some concepts that i will never be able to understand. there are some things i will never learn.

i feel like i have to move within my means, and i'm realizing that the space between the two ends is not as wide as i hoped. it's getting smaller and smaller all the time.

should i be grateful for the discovery of my limitations...