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i'm sitting in the library, the huge huge library, and an old lover is around. not a "lover" in the typical sense of the word, but someone i loved who didn't love me back. i don't have that many to refer to; i can count them on one nostril, so i generalize my definition of "lover".

i'm also currently listening to the tape i made for my current lover (the real definition) as i was...courting her. while she was unavailable. if you've never heard "transfiguration" by copyright, you must. i made 6 hours of heart-ripping-out-of-chest music for socks. to describe the heart-ripping-out-of-chest feeling i got by not having her.

after V. told me that i was "a great person...blahblah, friends friends, blah blah" i crushed a diet coke can on my forehead in sadness and anger. i knew i had to get the situation over with - i couldn't go on pining for her with some little spark of hope. i knew that it was time for that hope to be CRUSHED. so i told her, asked her what she thought, she crushed it, i crushed the coke can. against my forehead. i was drunk, ok?

the next morning, i paced around my room (not much pacing to be done in a room about 8 feet across) blaring sarah mclachlan's "posession" - the ultimate stalker "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME??" song - and sobbing. "...and i won't be denied..."

i told fred stuff today that made me blush. stuff that i don't think i've told anyone. stuff that pains me to say out loud. stuff that i don't like admitting. stuff that i want to go away, but at the same time, want to explore and feel is important.

everything i've said is interconnected. my mind interfucks and the inbred toothless spawn it produces is this writing.

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