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jan 13 2015 Jan 13 2014 april 26 2010 nov 13 2009 sep 21 2009 |
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cannot apr 2 2001 - 12.11 pmay ay ay. i feel like i have a sinus infection without all the mucous. perhaps it is gathering on the front lines, waiting to burst out in sneezes and sniffs and eyeball-exploding blows into tissues and scratchy starbucks napkins...
so much shit. so very much shit. where to begin? i could describe the shit chronologically, or by its ranking on the scale of shittiness...i could categorize: school, family, love, health, other...i'm not sure. what's weighing most heavily on my mind right now? EVERYTHING.
i know things are terrible in real life when i am frantic in my dreams. this could consits of frantically trying to explain myself to people, or frantically trying to find a toilet that is not public, or wet, or broken, or a pipe sticking out of the floor....last night's dream was terrible. i was trying to explain myself to professors (who were teachers) and my middle school guidance counselor, debbie, was there...she's been showing up in my dreams lately, i think as a representation of my desperation, and the way she neglects me feels like a betrayal, and leaves me with hopelessness - for if SHE turns away from me, i have no one.
in this dream, i'm late for classes, and the "teacher" calls me out on this. i start to get upset and say that i am trying as best as i can, but there's obviously no point if i just show up to be reminded of how STUPID i am...i am then sought out for some professional help and there is a lot of trying to explain myself adequately, and not being able to. this could relate to
on friday, socks and i went for our second session. it was ok, nothing major, and at the end i asked fred for the note for my late paper (still not done). he wrote that the incompletion of my assignment was due to the problems i had readjusting to medication. he said something about how this was compromising his ethics. that sounded like he was making something up for me, so i said "this isn't a lie. you can put down whatever you want. you can put down that i've been having problems with depression, or situational problems. i don't care. i'll sign a form, i've done it before." socks piped up "yes, you don't care, that's the problem" referring to HER problem with my willingness to share personal information about myself without worry. fred said that they didn't need to know, that it was in my best interest not to tell them. i started to get flustered and panicked with the two voices coming at me, and i felt attacked. i started to cry. fred stopped.
i think it really surprised him. it didn't surprise me. i didn't want to feel lie this was a lie. i didn't even want to do this, get a note, grovel at my prof's feet for something that i was too lazy or stupid or disorganized to do. something that i should have been able to do, if i were better, smarter, faster. i REALLY didn't want socks there while fred and i had this exchange - my grovelling to him to help me with his divine abilities and medical notepad. i tucked the note into my pocket, left for the bathroom, and sobbed in the stall. i came out and joined socks as if everything was normal, but of course it wasn't. not because of her concern for me. but because i "shushed" her while the both of them were gunning at me. once again, i am the master of the screw-up.
i think i will continue with the family problems later. right now, i feel that my pupils are huge and my dizziness is taking over. and there is a man being wheeled in a shopping cart by another man outside. hm. that's a good sign to stop. last time on sorethroat
last time***next time