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oh man, i feel like crying.

it's just these wierd dreams. these dreams that i get to STAR in but don't get to live. i fucking HATE THAT.

this morning, bouts of sleep and waking, i dreamt several things. i dreamt of some competition, archery, babies expelling drool on knitted sweaters, pride pride pride - i dreamt i was back in high school, i was looking for ms. major, my 9th grade math teacher who spurned me for a baby...i saw her name on the mailbox and the other teachers knew i was back to stalk her, but i didn't care.

i had an old bike that i was riding around the hallways, breaking suddenly and flipping myself off into the crowds of students. knocking people over, riding down stairs, making music. "i've changed my style" i said when asked about the difference.

i was back working at the gap. out of sheer desperation. so many things had changed - they had decided to allow other brands in the displays of the store. there were large ribbons draped around displays that said "tommy hilfiger" and different shoes just THERE...this confused me. the fashions had changed. agata, my old manager, led me around showing me these things - the new jeans that were clear plastic at the top, and coloured plastic below the knee - which you could zip off. what?? this was stupid. i didn't want to work there. kimmi from survivor was working there. i was speaking in a new york accent to amuse her.

and what do i take from this dream? well, my list of men i'm infatuated with certainly grows. men i would probably ride some drunken evening. the only way i come to these realizations is through my dreams. this time, robert downey jr. was judging the competition, the event, the festival - i was wearing cute glasses and hoped he would notice my smiles...he was merging with jeff probst, however, but i didn't mind too much - those knife-cut dimples intrigue me so.

so, the current tally is as follows:

i know, i know. i've got me some 'splaining to do.