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my stomach is churning. i am feeling shakey in a way that i thought i had lost. there is shit going down that i never thought i would experience, being me, knowing who i am, what i want, with what i am willing to put up...

socks wants "freedom"

well shit woman, just say it. you want to fuck other people because you haven't fucked me for over a month, and wasn't that a dry forced occasion?

she's telling people that we, WE, a collective decision here, are seeing other people. no. YOU are seeing other people, you are seeing them EVERYWHERE - you are seeing a world of possibilities without me, beyond me, instead of me.

my stomach is shaking.

i knew there was something up, like you had DONE something, when you drunkenly slurred that you were no good for me. that i was perfect. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR???

stop fucking with me. you say "i have to tell you because i want to be honest."

you say BULLSHIT like "i think this will fix us."

WHEN HAS IS EVER FIXED ANYONE????

ARE YOU STUPID?

stop FUCKING with ME.

it's all my fault, folks. don't you know it, since i'm 23, destitute, and i don't want marriage (whatever that may be) and kids any time soon. since i don't look like i have a future. since i don't HAVE A FUCKING DICK.

isn't that it??

you say you don't like them, but come ON. you've stayed in the safe haven of women for far too long. just cuz they DICKED you around with their DICKS, you've decided that you don't want DICK. but you don't want anything else.

that dick can fuck you up in ways you don't even know. mindblowing. that DICK will leave itself all over you. THAT DICK will make you pregnant, which is EXACTLY what you fucking want. another human being to blame instead of yourself. another reason to pretend, plug your ears and hum, act like NOTHING is wrong.

i'm so sorry this didn't work out for you. i'm so sorry that *I* didn't work out for you. that woah, maybe dating a lesbian is NOT going to give me the conventional lifestyle that i dreamt of? the white picket fence and the unexpected pregnancy, and the gender stereotyping to boot?

so what do i do? you tell me that you're "not going anywhere" and that your feelings for me haven't changed. FUCK THAT. they obviously have, if you are not thinking about me, only me, like you used to. who do you see when you go to sleep? but who do you wake up to? me. fat, drooling, sleeping ME. i'm SO SORRY i became real.

i FUCKING HATE this. i hate being made an ass of.

no one has ever respected our relationship, you know. the guys? they all hit on you as soon as i'm in the bathroom, or out of earshot, or WHATEVER. I DON'T EXIST. and you know what? i'm beginning to think that it's not entirely their stupid, DICKHEADED fault. you always play the innocent. you always pretend like you don't know what's going on, what signals you are sending out. that's how you got me. you were done with c. and you were flashing your VACANCY sign, weren't you?

it's flashing again. not some on-and-off buzzing neon, but a LOUD, CLEAR, BRIGHT FUCKING SIGNAL to the world that you are fair game. "HIT ON ME" it says. "IN FACT, DO IT WHILE MY SO-CALLED GIRLFRIEND IS IN THE ROOM. SO I CAN LAUGH, PUNCH HER IN THE ARM AND CALL HER JEALOUS."

FUCK YOU.

just leave me now. fuck off, and leave me. this will not work, this will not fix anything, and you are going to LOSE.