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what's this?
could it be?
could i actually be smiling? like, feeling some semblance of dare i say it - happiness?

well, let's not get carried away, now.
but admittedly - things are looking a little up.

not that i have cleared anything off my plate. still lots of things on lots of plates.

perhaps these silly little pills are doing their job? perhaps the propaganda of the packaging was correct?

there are a few circumstantial things that have comforted me. one, i got paid - and i had estimated my paycheque, but it was nicely above estimation. two, i started writing things down today - thoughts on my various projects! words! sentences! thoughts! action! imminent!

and three, three being extra-special, was my interaction yesterday with my PolishJews Prof, aka "the guy i asked to be my advisor because i was desperate, and then went and asked prof. h." - i talked to him regarding the paper that is due for his class, well, WAS due last week. and before i could even pull out my gamut of excuses, he started:
"i have to apologize, because i've been neglecting you. and i feel terrible about this, because, you really are my special student, and i've been neglecting you. and while i was in boston there was a professor there who teaches a course on gender and the holocaust, and there were books on his syllabus that i should have told you about, and i feel very bad about that. but don't worry, don't worry..."

"um...yeah, see, i have been having some trouble for this paper - i could write something very general..."

"have you written anything yet?"

"ummm, no."

"ok, ok - send me a draft next week, and don't worry - i've just been so busy, i have a 14 year old son, and he's a typical north american teenage boy, and there are just so many obligations...see, it's easy for you - you don't have children."

"school IS my child!"

and then we walked out of the class and rapped a little about some diary of some chick with a name somewhat similar to mine who got arrested by the gestapo, and perhaps she was a relative? i asked whether she was kaszubian, and he said "i don't think so, why, are you?" i said yes, and he nodded, yes, yes, very interesting...i'm all the more intriguing now...

"and because you are a graduate student, i don't need to get the grades in at the beginning of december like the undergraduates..."

"actually, january 10th."

"yes, january 10th - even better. are you going away for the holidays? don't worry about it."

so my god, you know what this means - he still thinks he's my advisor, and let's face it - if i write ANYTHING for him, he'll give me an A.

but where does that leave prof. h?? do i now abandon him, say, "sorry, old chap, i don't need you!" - wouldn't that make me look flighty and foolish??

so i started concocting a scheme whereby i would keep them both, write two papers, and only one would actually be graded. i envisaged the history department receiving two grades for me and being utterly confused.

then the scheme focused with even greater clarity and i saw myself not even submitting two papers officially, but leading prof. h on completely and just maintaining the illusion that he was my advisor. i'd still have meetings with him and pretend to be researching and asking all sorts of intellectual questions, but in the end, it would be part of a greater farce.

a thing of beauty, is the mind of evil.

*sigh*

oh, by the way - YOU STUPID, STUPID, STUPID MAN.