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for iota's sake:

the history of boy bands begins in the middle ages, when bands of merry minstrels would sing comedic ballads on streecorners for change, or perhaps an unplagued rat to skin and eat.

many died of the plague. this left mere individual minstrels, whose popularity was no match for the previous groupings. many were run out of town, and eventually killed for meat. the rectal meat of the minstrel was considered a rare delicacy during this time.

groups of singing young men did not reappear until much later, specifically, 250 years later. they returned in the form of "barbershop quartets" - these groups of mustachioed men would sing ditties outside barbershops in order to entice customers. in return, they received free shaves and haircuts from the barbers. as their prolific mustaches evinced, their form of advertising left much to be desired.

the "doo-wop" groups of the 40's and 50's gave groups of young black men the opportunity to stand in semi-circles, snap their fingers, and sing "shoobie. shoobie. shoobie. shoobie do. shoobie. shoobie." this scene was revolutionized when one young black man interrupted the "doo-wop" ritual by singing lyrics over the chants. "in the still of the night" and a new brand of music was born.

the 60's saw the birth of both boy groups and girl groups, with names all beginning in "the" and ending in "-elles" or "-anaires". sales of brylcreem skyrocket.

the jackson 5 revolutionized the boy group scene when one of them, perhaps tito (but certainly one of the older, ugly ones), "played" guitar. the advent of the "standout" or "unspoken leader" was also marked by the fuzzy-afro-cuteness of little michael. the scary white mormon version, the osmonds, had fat little jimmy as their preteen heartthrob, and toothy leader donny later found fame away from his brothers. he and his sister carry on their incestuous relationship to this day.

the 1980s shunned boy groups in favor of androgynous intersexed performers. girls dreamt of cuddling and attempting sexual relations with such stars as george and the other guy from "wham!", boy george and his club of cultured she-males, and alison moyet. it was also at this time that maurice starr began his reign of terror, beginning with new edition, a band of young talent that spawned the future stars bel biv devoe, bobby brown, and some other guys. ricky martin also got his start in the latin sensation menudo, which is spanish for "lyle and erik's dad will fondle you until your voice breaks"

it was the dawn of a new decade that unleashed one of the greatest forces in boy band history. maurice starr had cultivated from the streets of boston a group of white boys, and taught them how to dance like black boys. one was cute. one was rebellious. one was talented. one was shy. and one looked like a monkey. they were, of course, new kids on the block.

just as the new kids candle started to flicker in the wind, the crazy backwards brits decided to douse the place in gasoline. england and europe managed to maintain a healthy legion of boy bands, while the cynics of north america grew stinky and flannel-clad. east 17, take that, worlds apart, boyzone all dominated the european charts, but their sweet harmonies were never heard over the crunching distortion of three chords and a scream.

but something happened! the leader of the revolution, in a fit of panic, took his own life. the slate was wiped clean, if not the gun of fingerprints. there was an opportunity for the boys to rise again. all they needed was patience. take that rushed to fill the position, and self-destructed in the process. stephen gately of boyzone sabotaged his group's chance of breaking it in america with the admission "i'm gay, DUH..."

and who had the answer? the CANADIANS. those sneaky bastards in quebec had been hoarding an american boy band all to themselves, consisting of four uggos and a pedophile's dream - of course, the backstreet boys. they had been honing their craft for years in boyband-friendly europe, and took the gauntlet that NKOTB had flung down. they dominated with an iron fist, and others peeked their heads out of the proverbial closet, checking to see if it was, indeed, safe.

n*sync. 98degrees. 5ive. and all the others whose overproduced vocals and cookie-cutter singles make them indistinguishable.

what will be the future of the boy band? it is up to us. they, like T1000, will never completely die, no matter what sort of hot molten lava we pour over them. our only hope is to join in the frivolity, ignore their overcompensating heterosexuality, and pray for our future daughters.

pray.