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today is the first tuesday in a long time without class. needless to say, i have a therapy session tonight (haw haw). no, really, it sucks. i can't be given such joyous moments as happened last friday, and then go cold turkey! it's just not right. oh, what excuse could i make to email him? i've been thinking "how do i cite a film?" but is that too moronic? i've been having issues with my paper again - despite thinking i had it all in the bag last week - but i think it's due to brain block, no specific question that i could ask. grr.

my hands do NOT want to be typing. i whipped off 9 pages of dull, dull shit yesterday in about 6.5 hours. straight. when i stood up, i thought my legs would give out. my crotch hurt from being so stationary. wait, does it usually bounce around? i have a sensitive crotchal area, ok? it likes more freedom than sitting in a chair for hours and hours allows. this is all the fault of my underpants, of course - i was wearing some pretty granny-style goodies, and i'm sure the bunching of excess fabric (you know, added coverage) didn't help my krotch kramps.

i got home and socks got all serious with me, and even asked me "what kind of relationship is this to you when you don't tell me things like that?" regarding something that i didn't really think was important, but of course, that means that it is obviously vital to world order. i wondered if she was looking for an excuse to break up with me. she sure sounded like it. she was all quiet and distant for the rest of the night, and this morning after she left for work, i pitched my "we'rebreakingup, we'rebreakingup, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod" fit. well, it always seems to involve crying while doing dishes.

part of me was really angry about it, and another part felt guilty, and yet another wanted relief - THE relief, and another was scared. there are too many parts to me, now that i think about it. no consensus. that's what causes all this damn trouble.

so i went to work and felt miserable about the sorry-ass condition of my life and world, and had to "buck up" for my public. but not too much, since it is a grey and miserable day, and we didn't really have any customers. but i spoke to socks and she sounded less distant, so perhaps i pitched my fit prematurely.

i thought about my life if we did break up, though, and it wasn't pretty. that is not very reassuring. but i thought about the type of person i am, and that perhaps i am destined to be single, not out of some sort of low self-esteem, but of a realization that Man [TM] is inherently selfish and that's ok. how in the world are two people expected to want the same things out of life at the same time, and totally agree with each other? it's unpossible. it's madness, i tells ya, MADNESS.

i wouldn't even kid about Prof. Hottie and myself being a perfect match - ha! that's just funny. i'm sure we would transcend the mundane reality of the conventional "relationship". maybe we'd have one of those "twisted relationships" i'm always reading about or seeing on thuh tee-vee.

mmm. twisty.