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i don't do well with that "what i have done?" feeling.

i'm not doing well with it right now. i feel like i've messed shit up by...by what...getting too comfortable. i wish my insecurities would work with me and keep me from making a complete fool of myself. i feel like i can't break free of this perception of myself as a total freak in the eyes of others. am i too much, did i say shit i shouldn't have said, am i smothering, am i creepy, am i ridiculous?

i'm experiencing a sharp pain on/in the right side of my head. it's as if i can feel my brain tense up, squeeze itself, hold tight.

i'm able to sob now. i haven't been able to do so and it's been so constricting. in those states, i wonder, am i trying to force myself to cry when i'm not really sad or mad enough to do so? therefore, am i trying to force myself to be sad? i don't know what it is. if i mapped my moods this week - a single week, monday to now (saturday) - it would be a total zig-zag. straight up, straight down. breaking apart the days themselves would show exactly the same pattern.

it's so confusing.
i don't know what i am? am i happy? am i solid? am i functioning at a high level? or am i sullen? morose? melancholy? angry, hurt, desolate? ashamed? how can i not know?!!

i can't know because it's not staying still long enough for me to know. the moment i determine just what mood it is, it's begun to change.

and it's so circumstantial. this is why it feels especially out of my control. i'm not an active participant in my state of mind, but just something that reacts. i can't be reactive.

i feel judged. scrutinized. at the very same time i feel misunderstood or feared, and desperate to explain.

it's not easy, though, to say to someone "i may be experiencing some extreme mood swings because i might have a touch of the bipolars." who wants to be crazy? and the word "bipolar" just sounds like another way to say "batshit crazy". depression is easier. someone can be depressed without depression, but "bipolar" as an adjective is not commonly used in everyday description of people's affect. and while depressed, one can shrink away and into the background, and not be noticed so much. not so with that manic swing. that's going to get you noticed.

and maybe it's not a manic swing. i feel "caught up" in excitement and confidence and then suddenly feel like and worry that i've crossed a line. and i probably have. but it's not as serious as, say, stealing a friend's credit card and going on a shopping spree, or run down the street with no pants. no. so is it just me, then?

it feels like i have no safety net. like i'm figuring myself out all over again, like i did 5 years ago. what's happening to me? i'm in this liminal stage and i don't know how i'm supposed to behave. i'm straddling fences and i hate the ambiguity. i can't even hate myself because i don't know who i am.

why does everything around me have to be a mirror? why can't i just know on my own? i rely on the reflections. i think i've always relied on the reflections.

i woke up at 9 am. i was full of energy and determination and pep. then i spent my time waiting. waiting for a response . and waiting. then worrying. then panicking. then sobbing. huddled on my love seat, unwashed, sobbing. it's 4 pm.

i've done absolutely nothing today, if you don't count digging this hole.