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i skipped my classes today, my beloved women's history, because i'm getting ready for commitment.

two 'm's, one 't'. i was *almost* too lazy to look it up to be sure, but my anal characteristics take over sometimes.

getting ready for commitment includes reorganizing a lot of personal possessions in the space available. so i moved my clothes around. i have a lot of clothes. but that's because i keep getting fatter, and i'll be damned if i'm giving away a t-shirt i look sexy in when i am 15 lbs. lighter, just because i happen to be 15 lbs. heavier at the present time. because one of these days, those 15 lbs. will be gone, and i will look sexy again.

plus, my girl *IS* more than 15 lbs. lighter than me, so she can look sexy in my sexy t-shirts. which she generally does.

i also moved my bed around, although i am in love with perimeter furnishing. everything up against the walls. not so anymore. the bed is jutting into the center of the room. but it must happen. we need the walls for other things.

and i, of course, looked over my old paper diary that i kept 1995-1999. very sporadic entries in the later years. but it was interesting to see myself struggling with real, down-home depression. makes this existenstial angst i'm going through now seem wankerish, indeed.

and boy, was i angry! angry at everyone and everything, especially myself. if i had been so flexible to be able to kick myself in the head, i most likely would have. lord knows i punched myself in the head enough.

i've been craving hot chocolate for weeks now. i think this is part of the comfort zone i am seeking.

i am losing a flow in my writing. starts and. sto.ps ever.ywhere. words as sentences. not right. not ok.

i don't want to go out tonight, drinking and dancing, because i have a long day of school tomorrow that i really MUST attend. i also don't want to reward today's delinquent behaviour.

oh yeah. the reason i'm so spaced out is because, under threat of my girlfriend, i'm on the serzone again. amazing what half a tiny, coffin-shaped pill can do to you. i was greeted in the mirror by my penny-sized pupils. i've been feeling wistful and woozy every since.

i think i'll lie down for a while.