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it's very quite here at the school library. this is the week between the end of classes and the beginning of exams. i think the people here are the types like me, who pull twelve-hour sessions to finish up research papers.

i work part-time this week, since it's slow. it's rainy and not quite spring-y yet, so i'm bound to have a lot of time on my hands for heavy thoughts.

i'm staying with my friends, in their spare room/office. i've been eating sparingly as i've run out of money and am a very timid houseguest. i shredded a giant carrot and assume i will live off these bits, chewing and chewing, believing that it is something more substantial.

i asked socks why she told people that we had broken up so quickly, if she "had hope" as she put it. she wanted to believe that it was real. or make it real.

that's not the reality of it, though. i feel like i'm being dragged through the mud - not necessarily by her, but by life in general. i mean, i do want to serve my penance, be banished and claw my way back to the top, but it's like i've fallen from grace into that pit. i'm in the wallowing state; not quite ready for clawing yet.

i have to admit that all this distraction means i haven't really thought of prof. h. that much. there are a few symposiums and conferences coming up...my german-love has not faded...but i smacked myself in the face with a big two-by-four of reality, and it seems to be working.

i've been staring at this a lot, keeping track. it was a beautiful sunny day yesterday.

a girl can dream.