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i don't know what's going on with d-land, but it appears several of my entries have been EATEN. hmph. i'm not sure how i feel about this.

so. so. so what can i tell you. there is a little space in between awake and asleep - it's the hours in which i have fallen back asleep after socks has gone to work...in this little space, just when i am about to wake up, i get really horny or something. i have what the experts refer to as "erotically charged" dreams. this morning is was about john marshall, this boy in my 6th grade class. he still looked the same, but he was older. it wasn't like i was drooling for a 12 year old boy. then again, i can't see those people from my past as kids...though if someone else is looking at my yearbook or photos, they are just little kids. strange how peers are always your peers.

anyway, back to the horniness. john and i were reminiscing about our sad less-than-24-hour relationship, and he admitted that he really HAD liked me (see, this is the stuff dreams are made of) and boy, if he wasn't all cute and stuff like he had been. and i put my hand on his chest, warm and solid, and laughed along, thinking dirty dirty thoughts.

the funny thing is, i remained loyal to socks even in my dream. i couldn't, i said, as i showed him the ring on my finger.

dammit.

this is all coming from a place of weirdness right now. of couples around us having affairs, exploring their past fantasies, their current regrets. so i am bringing in these boys by the truckload. is this a past fantasy or a current regret? i'm being struck by my need to fuck. i'm opening my eyes to a curiousity...what it would be like to fuck a guy. and how different would that be...no making love to a soft, sweet-smelling girl, but just fucking a maybe stinky, rough, too-eager guy. i saw a guy on his afternoon run, waiting for the light to change, and he looked good to me in a way that made me feel like i should be reading cosmo and buying oprah's latest selection. he was lean, with a simple black leather string around his neck, sweaty, slightly sagging running shorts falling under hips...and i couldn't stop staring.

but it IS all curiousity. could i have a boyfriend? noooooo. that's crazy talk! would i probably start laughing if i was actually in a sexual situation with a penis? most likely!

but it is pretty troubling, all the same. i never had boyfriends in school. i've only ever touched a johnson once, and that was a pretty quick experience. perhaps now that i have attained what was once my unattainable, i realize there is a new goal. the elusive male? is there such a thing?

what the fuck is going on...i think the moon is sending everyone into a tizzy, including me.