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i've just gotten over a bout of the periods. i hope this doesn't start to be a pattern of once every two weeks. an aberration, please. caused by the stress, the lack of nutrients, the clenched, acidic stomach. yes, it has to do with that. not that my womb is purging.

sometimes i wonder if i'm fooling myself. fooling myself brilliantly, because only every so often does the "truth" pop up, and i seem to forget it just as quickly. such efficient repression and denial! at least one thing in me is working efficiently.

i get a flash of "you would NEVER stand for this!" or "this would kill you, and it IS killing you - just slowly and silently, almost imperceptibly..." - i wonder if the real me is being bound and gagged in order to prove some kind of point.

i can't stand the thoughts i have.
i can't stand the visions. the residue that lingers, invisible, and whose existence relies on my recognition that it might have existed, right there - in that spot. in that way. with that look.

i wonder how many hours it has been.

i tell myself to breathe, to stop going down that road, to stay present rather than drift...i think i have to be high and a little attention deficient for this to work easily. but then, these flashes of pain, confrontation with myself - these come to me when i'm high. so have i acheived some sort of clarity?

i can't, because i can't admit that it may be true. that i'm just incapable, and it's the way i'm made, and my destiny hereafter.