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oh man. you know how yesterday i said that it was best NOT to make decisions based on that whole parallel universe thingy? well, i think it really hurts to think that the parallel universe does not exist. it hurts in that way that makes me just want to whine. "oh, that's not faaaaaaairrrr...." because dammit, that parallel universe could be so much fun!

yesterday, i waited for a decent amount of time to elapse, and i emailed prof. hottie - look at me go! i've got cajones or something. well, i had to make up for the major FLINCH i had in his office - he was printing up the addresses for me, and had to grab paper that was on a shelf beside and above me - when he reached over, i practically leapt out of the way (yes, still in my chair) and said "sorry!" like i had farted or something. when i realized that he WASN'T REALLY that close to me, and i had practically ran away from the POSSIBILITY of his closeness, i felt like a right idiot. and DEFINITELY as if i had ruined any subliminal flirtation.

so i emailed him. i had a good excuse, and i thought that it would be a great way to maintain the email rapport. i mean, i wouldn't go all crazy and start sending him forwards promising little dogs running across his screen...no, never. just....contact. like the peter gabriel song...if it can't be physical contact, i must at least have mental contact.

our brains definitely had a current between them, yesterday, exchanging sparks and little shocks. i fucking loved it.

so, the e-mail i sent him, and his sweetie reply...

> Prof. Hottie, (how i wish i could actually address him as such! that would make things so much more rrrrow fun!)

> Thanks again for all the information and interesting conversation. I notice you never got your coffee...

>I am suddenly struck with the guilt (my repressed Roman Catholic roots?) that I have negatively represented my so-called place of origin and led you to believe that XX is a "Deliverance"-style backwoods village of inbreds. Hm. This is surely an exaggeration. If you are ever presented with the opporunity to visit the Ottawa Valley, do not be afraid. I feel like saying "It shore is purdy country out thar" but again - that would be me, misrepresenting.

> This is one of the articles that spurned my distaste for the Canadian celebratory trend of national history...

> (link)

> And you might notice that by being away in September, I am going to miss THE big XX event, the annual "Chicken Supper" at the Church (which competes with the Tavern for status as the hub of community activity - but if you're dying for a plate of pierogies, my money is on the Tavern.)

> Again, thanks.

> >Sorethroat

>

Dear Sorethroat,

thank you for the clarification regarding your "place of origin". I certainly learned a lot during our conversation. And I am certainly not negatively biased towards the town of --XX.

Best wishes,

Prof. Hottie.

gggggaw, couldn't you just wrap him up in a tortilla and EAT 'im? just EAT 'IM. rrrrrrow!

so i went home happy and fulfilled yesterday, my spirit restored (if not a little headachey and perhaps even sexually frustrated...it's been weeks since socks and i have taken the plunge)

- but again, i felt sad that he was just so nice that he would never take me to that parallel universe, or that i was so goddamn hideous that i wouldn't PROPELL him there...

so the game plan is this. and it is shallow, and wrong, very wrong, but in some sad way, it might be right. i am going to work very hard this summer to lose weight and stay edumacated. i will read lots of hoity-toity books so that i actually HAVE an idea to go to poland with, and not seem like the fraud that i am. i will become the unbelievably hot wench i once was. i will also find my purpose.

(am i asking for a lot here or what??)

and i will make it so that prof. hottie and i maintain a life-long connection; we will become colleagues, contemporaries, he will be my mentor (he already is, but doesn't know it yet) and i his mentoree. and maybe, just maybe, several years from now, we will be having one of our brain spark moments in an empty office, and the dark of night will encourage us to leave, though our desires will be to stay. and he'll get up, and i'll get up, and we'll bump into each other awkwardly and accidentally, and that physical shock will reverberate.

damn. that's HOTT. i'm not going to continue, because i've realized that having fantasies actually SUCKS. i now know why i never had them before, since my actual existence was so incredibly painful, why would i want to come up with an even more unattainable fantasy existence??

i could have shaken his hand yesterday. i would have had that girl not been there. it was such a good opportunity. but i'm not worried. if i play my cards extra-right, and actually do the right, responsible, braniac thing and set up meetings with academics in poland (ulp), i'll be able to go to him before i leave, and shake his hand in thanks. ugghhghghghghggh....(homer-style drool-choke)

ENOUGH!