�

i'm in ottawa. feeling like death would be a sweet release. coincidence? hmmm...

i don't know what's wrong with me. yes i do. it's my period. i'm feeling like i did in high school, that urge to...you know, kill oneself as the hormones spurt around. it has nothing to do with physical pain. i would LOVE physical pain right now. this fucking MENTAL pain, though...it's just getting a little out of hand.

so my christmas was pretty dull, and my new year's was good - my bro had a party at his swank pad, and i looked fat in the photos...nothing new. i'm going home tomorrow, and i tried to explain to socks my trepidation. she thought that it was fear of coming home to her, which is true, in a sense. she came home to a very very unkempt apartment, and is having a "we can't live like this" thing, which might result in my loss of personal items. apparently, a mess in the apartment means i have to purge. whatever. i just want harmony at this point.

i hate long bus rides when i'm depressed. i just can't deal with the surroundings - especially these winter rides. grey, damp, depressing. i roll into town and start crying at the thought of "real life" once more. my brother paid for a haircut, my parents paid for groceries...little luxuries will soon disappear.

i feel like if i had made any resolutions that they would be broken already. this is a terrible time for me to be thinking about self-improvement. oh man, a really terrible time.