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i think i'm so malleable and adaptive to change that when it comes around, i don't really feel it. my mind, body, and routine just wrap around the new shape of things. like unset jell-o in a mold. mmm. jell-o.

some big changes are happening. they don't necessarily affect my everyday life, but like the death of a grandma, these changes will make themselves known at the worst times. those times when you need them to fit into their roles, be there on that certain date, be doing that certain thing, be in that certain place. those things you tend to count on as constant, if not take for granted.

two very separate things. i'm just making myself numb to them, simply because i am living day to day (like a recovering alcoholic...mmm. booze.) - and i don't want to feel them. for one, this one is leaving for a while. i'm not really sure what to say about this - i've tried typing three things and none of them really work, so i'll just leave it.

the second thing is my dog. i have to say goodbye to my dog forever. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my other dog, jenny, an overweight but incredibly personable jack russell. i guess the forces that be presented me with a long goodbye in the form of a sudden blindness that affected the last 2 or 3 years of her life. maybe i greived for her the moment i noticed she was bumping into things a lot.

poor ben is a 16 year old border collie. i am feeling incredible guilt for not giving him the exercise such a dog so badly needed, but i'm really not to fault. my father, a runner, used to jog with ben but they both sort of slowed down. like a black comedy, ben went deaf about 6 years ago. what a good dog...he's arthritic, incontinent, anxious, and ill. and it's time we let him, go, too.

so i lied, i'm not numb. i'm crying about it now because i'm only realizing that i've had these animals since i was 5 or 6, and like some sick rite of passage into adulthood, my childhood pets are leaving me. like i don't need them anymore. just the way my parents started splitting after i left home. my forage into independence is leaving a trail of destruction of the past behind it. and let me tell you, it feels like shit.

i've been mentioning it to people. nonchalantly. they react with the right amount of sympathy, but i shrug it off. ya gotta do what you gotta do. i am increasingly aware of the mechanisms i use to bottle things up. i didn't think i really did that before...

you'll hear from me this weekend. you'll hear what it feels like, and maybe i'll get to show you a picture or two.

and by the way, sinbaby - i know you don't want to hear this, but i'm scared. that's what i'm feeling most. but like that nogoodnik shrnk, i'm going to let you do what you feel you have to do. so go do it. and come back.