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*sigh*

i'm a wee bit depressed all of a sudden.

i've been thinking lately of what would happen if people i knew, say in class, or in my life, were reading this diary. to what would they react? would they take it the wrong way? am i representing myself, or facts, clearly?

the answers to these things are pretty simple, i think. i represent my personality clearly. whether people READ it as such, i don't know. i like to laugh, and i like to make other people laugh, so i will often focus on the comedic aspects of my life (if i'm not feeling horribly depressed and angsty and writing bad poetry with refrains of "why? why? why?" etc.) so this leads to some embellishment.

my entries here are not the ONLY things that happen in my life. can i possibly account for the several million hours and encounters that i experience, either with greater priority or pertinance to my life as it is lived? no.

one thing that surprises me is that i put out a lot of my "unthinkable thoughts" in this forum. dangerous, yes. but again, a reflection of the true me. i am inflicted by these thoughts at every moment of my day. every encounter is soundtracked by narration and commentary in my head, and my appearance or articulation do not do that justice! for some odd reason, i choose this forum. i trust it. i believe in it, and i rather naively believe in my privacy.

ah, now there's the rub. i have never claimed NOT to know the risks of this public/private forum. i think it would be pretty clear that if someone were to stumble on my diary, i would prefer that they told me than didn't. (then again, would *I* tell somebody that i had found *their* diary? uhhh..) and i don't think i would be afraid of that. like this diary and it's association with iota - i honestly don't make a lot of disparaging comments regarding my friends, because they are my friends. i don't really have anything disparaging to say about them anyway. would i say everything? of course not. do i censor my thoughts about my partner? yes, i often do. sometimes i am quite open about it. but more often, i am holding back, in the same vein that i hold back from everyone - including her. i would like to think that i don't include things that i know would hurt her. then again, my register for that is a little biased - skewed towards my perspective - so who can bloody well tell?

is this momentary confessional coming from a case of "diary discovery?" no, not necessarily. i don't think anyone who knows me in real life (that i don't know about) is or has read this. the more google hits i get for random things, the more i worry.

i don't know. i think i am having difficulties adjusting to having ones own life and independence, and not being responsible for others - like, ownership of one's own intellectual property. how do you navigate that? in a sea of "others" for whom you have to censor yourself, muffle your inner commentary TO yourself, not think what you like? and it goes both ways. do i know how i would react to someone else's writings about me, or facets of my life, even if it were THEIR feelings and well within their rights to have - never mind express?

i just don't know. i hate my brain enough, sometimes - i don't need anyone else to hate it for me.

getting to the end of this, i realize that i still do hate myself.

for whatever reason is available.