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so i guess i will start writing entries again since it seems i can't remember what i do during the days of the week. perhaps this will jog my pot-addled memory.

let's start with today. i get up with barely enough sleep after my 14 hour shift yesterday. that's right. at least i made my entire rent in one day. but i also couldn't speak or see by the end of the night.

i feel like shit. mentally, i awake in a state of "my god, life REALLY DOES suck!" my body is still tired. my head threatens one of its classic all-day pre-menstrual headaches. i get online.

i smoke. i hate the way my mouth feels. i hate the taste. so i smoke some more. all while downing some diet root beer. breakfast of champions.

i surf gossip blogs, my new addiction since giving up the bottle. i see a cute link for a "walken for president" website and i send it to s. because she likes him. she sends back a short reply saying that she's seen it. then another email. the floodgates.

curt note about how i've been moved out for over a year and there is still so much of my stuff there, and she doesn't want to continue living with the "clutter" (she is one person in a very sizeable apartment and "my stuff" does not amount to enough that would encroach on her personal space, i believe, but hey, who knows) so when am i getting it because she's going to take it to goodwill. so i say that d. has a car and we can be by to pick it up for once and for all.

another email. biting this time! out come claws about how she's made it "brilliantly clear" that she doesn't want my gf in her space. and what are my plans regarding "our 'money issues'"?

oh yes, in between this i went out to my appointment with my shrink. again, still discussing my previous diagnosis of bipolar disorder, him wanting me to stay on the pills, see fred if i can, etc. not much advice, but a lot of me talking and wiping my eyes because i can't stop fucking crying.

i want to ignore s. make it go away, because i'm tired of being treated like i ruined her life and am continuing to ruin it because of my existence. and that i owe her $3000. which i don't. i'm sick of it all.

i drink green tea, take some naproxen for my headache, and half a risperdal to calm the fuck down. haven't had one in about 6 months, but the occassion warrants a little sedation.

this has been my day so far.