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it's disconcerting to read old letters and emails with declarations of intense, powerful, healing love. i start at the end, of course, and work my way backwards. all of the apologies for not being able to feel, not being able to meet needs, with the underlying recognition that i just didn't give a shit anymore. i go back, further and further, and see how the pendulum must have seemed to have taken a huge swing; i was so forthright, so demonstrative! i held nothing back! i took provocative pictures of myself! and then it all crumbled.

i often blame my low self-esteem for such changes in disposition, and it really does affect the way i deal with situations, but it might have just been a case of "i made a mistake." or perhaps it was that manic depressive episode that resulted in my being heavily medicated. hmm. perhaps that was it.

i'm in love right now. i have been for over a year. she's in love with me, too, though it took a bit of work on both of our parts for it to really, truly surface. again, i let my mind wander with that pure, silly hope, with visions of stability, comfort, capital-h Home. when will i get "spooked" again? will i? or will 30 spook me more?

will i resign to the fact that i'm not going to be the dictator of a small yet resource-rich nation? that i won't nervously pull my oscar speech from my cleavage and thank none of my industry contacts or agent? that my national geographic photo spread will NOT win me the pulitzer prize? that i will not be december's pick for oprah's book club?

do i have a vision of either/or in my head that gets in the way, screws everything up, and results in emails blaming my poor self-esteem?

or perhaps this time will be different. i'm doing things so differently, after all...the boundaries are a little more blurry; not all opportunities are under the threat of being "lost"; independence is highly valued because it is craved and sometimes not even my choice. it's different.

it's always different, though, isn't it?

i'm not single. i haven't been single for a long time, now, even if i've had a "not-girlfriend". i have a lover, i have a partner, i have a friend. i have someone to fight with and cry at and share bodily fluids with. i have someone who has made me livid, who has made me nauseous, who has punched me in the gut with reality. i have someone i love. again.

jesus christ.
what's wrong with me, and what the hell is right with me?