daddy went off to the country and jk got a phone call from him, just after puffing on a huge spliff in celebration of his best friend moving in. daddy is upset.

no, no - not just upset. hysterical. weeping. in despair. my FATHER...jk says that during the 4 hour conversation he would hear a clunk followed by no response, and this was apparently my father dropping the phone to sob. my mother had left a few "welcome home" gifts for dad to find - a 13 chapter manifesto of sorts, detailing every little thing my father had done wrong in the past 30 or so years; a few printed out emails left casually on the desk to my mother's friend talking about the lawyers, and the papers, and what not...and a birthday card. my father was distraught over the content of this card, which took several attempts to read, and lots of this phone-dropping clunking. what did it say? "i'll be thinking about you on your birthday." obviously my dad interpreted this to mean "i'll be thinking of more ways to kill you slowly on your birthday..."

jk asked dad if he had ever talked to mom in this sort of state, raw, emotional, honest. of course not!

there was also some other stuff mentioned like frank, this freakazoid that my mother was kinda sorta involved in. how did my father learn about this? my mother's friends from this small little town, in which my father was born and raised, and in which my mother now resides, called my father and TOLD HIM ALLLLLL ABOUT IT. and also told him that my mother gets very "angry" at these community meetings she attends if her work etc., is not recognized. hmm. i know my mother can be very childish sometimes about things like that, but angry? surely they are misinterpreting.

so aside from all the gossip and weirdness, my mother has now decided that she IS going to get the divorce, which means splitting everything 50-50 (meaning the sale of the two country homes - including the "estate" that my father's grandfather built, the only homebase our family really has, the home that is willed to me) and my mother receives $1,000 for every year they have been married. $36,000. hmm, considering my parents have a $25,000 loan to pay off and no investments, this seems a little...impossible.

now this is after my mother "spoke to her lawyer" - the same lawyer who, a fortnight ago, was advising her NOT to get a divorce. this implies that someone else is involved, making suggestions....my money is on Freakazoid Frank.

so what to do? jk calls me at 8am to tell me all of this, and we, as a family, must do something. he feels that the divorce would be absolutely wrong, whereas last week his opinion (and my opinion) was one of indifference. he sees things a little differently now. so do i.

without hesitation, i agree to going home for next weekend for a sort of family intervention, catharsis, counselling mission. jk will act as mediator. this is an amazing feat in my eyes, but he has already donned this cap from day one. my mother is a paranoid woman scorned out for blood, and my father is a suicidal alcoholic. i just love reality tv.

i will go to my professors, tell them that i have a family crisis which requires my presence, and they can take their final papers and shove them up their asses whenever i choose to hand them in. please?

so this is the deal with my family right now. thank you for listening.