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i wonder what it is about november.

i suppose this is my manic side. on the one hand, i am empty and hollow and helpless; on the other, i am crushing on and being crushed on, navigating the social calls, the possibilities that keep on popping up...

i'm hoping my latest infatuation will stay somewhat controlled; it felt like it was getting away from me, especially this week. i'm trapped in a reverse-cyrano de bergerac story, set in the Aughts, rather than the past. i'm helping a woman with her online profile/personal ad, first by taking [better] pictures of her, and perhaps eventually even by helping her rewrite her content. why am i doing this? the rational, sensitive side of me answers that i want her to be excited, and happy, and to feel as attractive as she is. the other side - more honest if not more basic in aims - is that i wanted to take pictures of her. and i wanted her to feel as attractive as she is, but it would be because *i* showed her - not some Man, of all things. pssht.

this sends me right back to infatuations of my early teens, where i desired to be a man if only to do right by this wonderful woman. no man would ever truly appreciate her, treat her right, etc., but *I* could. and i would! so why is it that i can treat women badly within my own relationships? or not appreciate them? well, that's subjective. i might be speaking from a place of guilt here, for the waning attraction, petty annoyances, and divided lives that pull people apart from each other.

i say to myself "i'd have babies for her. why not? she'd be awesome. i'd be awesome." would WE be awesome? ha. she's straight. she's quirky, but she's straight, and though i've been a great introduction into lesbo-life for a few, i've not acheived the Conversion badge on my lesbian girl scout sash.

but oh! if they only knew. if they only knew how charming the girls find me, how i've been their best lover and given them their best orgasms and touched their bodies in ways that make them feel sexy and divine. i can't help but love the female form, and have come to love its "imperfections" whatever they may be. i read that it is part of my taurean nature to be sensual, and take delight in the physical senses. i spend a long time appreciating a woman's body when she gives it to me. i try to thank her for being vulnerable. it's an exchange of intimacy.

so i blush, and try to stay cool, because i know that i make her laugh, and even make her blush, and that perhaps if i were a man i could be the perfect man. and i try to stay cool because i know i'm not, and never will be, and that's the way life goes.

i'm doomed to have these wondrous women slide in and out of my life, all the while sending me into a spin of angst, desire, and longing.

at least i know that i am human, in these moments and times. these times of feeling empty, hollow, incomplete - i know my heart is in there, somewhere, because i can feel it swell and tense and eventually hurt.