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i am supposed to email fred while he is away on vacation in spain.

hm.

of course, i live for this sort of boundary violation. but i'm wondering just what i should write. what would he expect? he knows me well enough to know that i wouldn't give him some tedious description of my health, my habits, my physicality. is he requesting that i reveal more?

i have given him some writing before. i didn't give him a letter/note that i wrote to him on the bus once returning from home. it's a rather intimate offering, lamenting the fact that he seems to be the only one i can trust, trust not to judge me, and how pathetic i feel for needing him so.

sometimes i think fred is in love with me, or something about me. i sense it when he attempts to dispel my assertions that i am unloveable, unattractive, and unhealthy. or the times he seems to be trying to impress me. i am rarely impressed. i know that always makes me strive harder, beg for love more - perhaps i'm having the same effect on him?

i've been looking through past entries that refer to our odd relationship. the times he has disappointed me, yes, and the times he has come through for me. i've thought about actually revealing just what i think of all this transference/counter-transference. or spelling it out for him.

(i wouldn't tell him that i think he's in love with me.)

oh fred, fred. what the hell am i going to do with you?