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i haven't written for a long while. i feel a little strange writing at work. is that...guilt? naaw, probably moreso the fear of getting caught. "oh, what's that? an online diary? OH??" yeah, that would be just SOOOPER.

my insides have been some kind of calamity for the past few weeks. i don't know if it has to do with getting up at 7 in the morning when i'm more used to getting up at 9, and my system doesn't like it very much. it could also have to do with the fact that my brain has been doing flips around "the possibilities" of life. the failings, the risks, the joys. i've not been *unhappy*, necessarily; i have felt like crying a lot, out of frustration, primarily. like, i can't get my way, and i can nearly taste it sometimes.

some of it has to do with Prof. H. Hm, big surprise. i almost feel like i'm back at square one. it is both difficult and wonderful being able to work on campus, with the possibility of seeing him ever-higher than before. and sometimes i do. but that also makes it worse, because THERE HE IS. in sight, in mind. and because these sightings are random occurences, i have no way of preparing for them, or expecting them, or willing them to exist. at least when i had a class, i KNEW the score - twice a week, i knew when to look a little better, think a little brighter, be a little cooler. it's a crapshoot these days.

the last real meeting with him that i mentioned in my last entry has also spun me a little. i nearly touched his arm as i spotten him from behind. i thought "this is an EXCELLENT opportunity to do that elbow-touch that says 'hi, turn around' and not 'hey, what i'd really like to do is grab your ass'" but i chickened out. the first thing he asked me was if i heard from the schools to which i had applied. no, not yet. ramble ramble. i'd better sit down. ok.

i watched the speaker from the back of the room, and gazed at the back of prof. h's head for brief intervals. i felt stupid and inadequate for moments of the lecture, but bemused at the same time, with the weirdness of academia and the "rituals". there was a reception afterwards, finger food, open wine bar, the like. i refused to join the horde of hungry pseudo-intellectuals, accompanied by a co-worker and one of her friends, keeping my eye on Him while he spoke with a colleague. i moved my co-worker towards the drinks and took a glass of red wine. soon enough, the crowd thinned a little and he came over to talk to me, us. he asked what i had thought and i honestly answered "ehh" with the 'so-so' hand gesture. i wasn't about to PRETEND that i understood that crap, and it seemed to be the right way to go, since he replied that he heard pretty much the same. i introduced him to the co-worker, haphazardly, and we rambled a little about the rest of the conference and museums and the czech republic and i wasn't paying too much attention. but i am not sure he was saying it FOR me to pay attention, as it seemed like nervous rambling on his part.

my co-worker left us to talk to someone else, and it was like a cloud of fog lifted. he asked me about my so-called web project, and i cracked a joke about my procrastination. everything seemed...easier..as we spoke. casual, comfortable - not at all halted and nervous as the first few minutes. i could feel my face burn from the interaction and the alcohol. i wanted another drink desperately, but couldn't break my 'connect' with him.

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