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(continued from part one)

i told him that all of us at the reunion had been so keen on scanning and emailing photos, but hadn't really done it. he said it was like being the editor of a book, standing with a whip waiting for the contributors. of course that made me smile to no end.

the reception thinned out even more, and we made those awkward leaving motions. his was "mumble mumble" point-to-watch "i have to pay the babysitter..." hm. perhaps fueled by the wine, i told him that another procrastination related to my trip was that i had brought things back for people and hadn't given them their gifts, and that i had a few things for him. i'm pretty sure he said "thank you" but by that point the voices in my head were screaming "what are you doing???" and being met by Courageous Me's drunken "shaaaaaddddup!" he caught me off guard by saying, "yes, you were also going to show me your photos from the trip, too..." and i mumbled something about having to go through them and that i wanted it to be a perfect presentation...

he then said something that i still wish i had heard more clearly. the blood pumping in my head most likely obstructed my hearing, but it was to the extent of, "yes, you need to have the right atmosphere for it, tranquil..." somethingorrather. what?!?! does he mean, my going through the pictures, or does he mean, my SHOWING him the pictures? and for the love of god, who wants to look at vacation shots?! he does? what? am i mad?? what am i missing?

like i described, i left with the drug in my veins. i needed the cigarette to cap the high, stop the float. the next morning i received my acceptance in the mail. i felt like running to his office and jumping into his arms, but i held myself at bay. i kept the news from him, since i wanted to tell him in person, but could never make the opportunity. i emailed him regarding our conversation the night before, and sent him a link to one of the pictures i had scanned, a half-drained pint of Polish beer. i waited for a reply, but two days later, could not stand it any longer. i sent another email and said, by the way, i got it.

he sent a congratulatory message and said "don't be scared" (replying to my expressed anxieties at the consequences of grad school) - and said he had enjoyed the "preview" (as i called it) - it reminded him of "a taste of Europe" he hadn't had for a while.

my mind jumped to the pub around the corner from his office that has zywiec on tap.

i jumped back to reality.

***

last thursday, i got dressed up for another opening-night lecture. it was at 8 pm, so i wasn't sure he'd make an appearance. he didn't. i decided to try one of the day time lectures on the friday, one that i would be able to see on my lunch break. i neglect to add it was also of interest to me. right before the lecture started, he walked in. we were on opposite sides of the room, and many heads blocked a direct sightline, but i think he saw me.

he left immediately after the lecture, but it would be erroneous of me to think that it was because of me; i don't think i've scared him YET. ha. but the frustration it left me with was palatable for the rest of the day. for the rest of the weekend, even. i still taste it.

and so much inside of me, the logic, says "do nothing!" and it would work. other voices cry "you have to do SOMETHING!" because this eats away at me so easily. but could i EVER do "something?" no.

i can re-contextualize.

i can intellectualize.

i can rationalize.

i can de-mystify.

that seems to be something, doesn't it?