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nothing but coffee, nothing but coffee. i told myself i wouldn't buy another pack of cigarettes, but i bummed one from a co-worker anyway. inside my gut is nothing but coffee, and it hurts like crazy. i ate indian food last night. it hurts like crazy. can't use a public washroom stall to expell. hurts like crazy. so many legs peeking out below stall doors, all waiting for YOU to go away so THEY can expell - the grand Poo-Off.

"and in stall numb-ah two, we have a contestant at 3 minutes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, 3 minutes and counting! now that's a determined lass!

and wait, we have a challenger entering stall numb-ah 6! will contestant two give up? will they continue past numb-ah 6's pee run? will they hope that numb-ah 6 will flush and, hope of all hopes, use the hand-dryer? it seems like contestant numb-ah two will have to make a decision quickly, as there seems to be someone veering for stall numb-ah three, and that changes the dynamics of smell and sound for numb-ah two.

there are so many things to take into consideration when participating in a challenge such as the nine-thousandth annual Poo-Off...these contestants are hardened, determined, but also incredibly frightened. there is always the disqualification of the winn-ah if they reveal themselves at the sinks prematurely, or if a colleague enters their stall with the naive reassurance that their associate would never use a public stall for anything other than powdering one's nose and re-applying deodorant!

i've been doing commentary for many, many years now, and it still breaks my heart when this occurs...."

indian food. coffee. tuesday. it hurts.