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i've been devoid of thought, lately, whenever i sit down at the keyboard. then, as i'm walking to a class, or from a class, or just being in a class, i think of all these things i want to write about here. and i lose them again once i'm in front of the screen. my mind simply refuses to cooperate!

socks and i saw the evil X, c., on saturday. we were walking home from an afternoon of market shopping, and saw her through the window of a restaurant/bar near my place. what was she doing there?? she lives in another city now! go away! go away FOR-EV-ER! my paranoia whenever i see a similar head, a similar pair of glasses on a similar profile is not unjust, then.

socks said "she has hair. she shouldn't have hair. she looks good with a shaved head." and i shot back angrily "why are we talking about when she looks good??" i don't think i will ever stop feeling this anger, this suspicion, when it comes to c. she is in my world, in my head...more than she knows or could ever know.

i have looked back on my past and realized that throughout my different moves to different schools, i almost always had a "mortal enemy" upon whom i directed my hatred. it started with annette, the white-blond skittish pigtailed girl who was always picked up and dropped off to school by her grandmother. i think i just started out hating HER for her characteristics, but when my holographic ballerina stickers went missing from my bulky green lunchbox, and ended up on her notebook, i had a solid reason. (and then i became a lesbian. ha ha.)

i won't even continue listing the enemies now; perhaps i will devote separate entries to each as i am inspired to do so.

maybe c. is filling this role in my life. if we were in school, would i hate her? and would i let her know? probably not. i'd be the same old passive-aggressive bitch that i have always been to my enemies, until that breaking point...where i would be compelled to smash their face.

(i'm a sweet person, honest)